T-pisode 212: Jerk VS Gentleman

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Jerk or gentleman? I was one. Trying to be the other. Work in progress. Getting there.
Jerk or gentleman? I was one. Trying to be the other. Work in progress. Getting there.

Being a single man in your 30s makes a man evaluate his dating life constantly. The carefree wild ways of dating in your 20s are long gone and one has to wonder if still being single now is the collateral damage? Penance? Karma? I see a lot of so-called writers trying to explain the ways a man dates. They go on and on about how to meet a great woman but yet they’re still single. Some claim they are single by choice. Career comes first. Traveling the world. In and out of the friend zone on a constant loop. Just can’t meet the right woman while living in a busy major metropolitan city. Wait…that sounds a lot like me. Yep, that’s me as well to an extent. I’m a lot like that guy. But here to talk about another type of guy. The guy that both sexes can agree on, the guy that men think they are or claim to be, the guy all women want is what? The nice guy? No. He’s boring, lacks confidence, has no sense of humor and still finishes last. The bad boy? No. He’s too much to handle, fears commitment, doesn’t take anything seriously, is too cocky and eventually hurts the girl. So who is the guy everyone wants? That’s the bad boy with the good, caring heart. How does that guy come to exist? Well, he spends a big part of his life being a jerk. And through trial and error, he eventually grows up. Smartens up. And does his best to become a gentleman.

The mantra on this site for a very long time has been “from jerk to gentleman” for a reason. Regardless of all my crazy adventures it applies the most to dating. No amount of doors I have opened. Chairs pulled out. Roses sent. Smiles placed on beautiful faces have worked when I was a total and complete jerk. I didn’t get it then. A lot of guys just don’t get it. Even married men can be jerks but somehow have managed to get into a serious relationship followed by marriage. It doesn’t mean that they get it though. When you recognize that you were a jerk and only cared about yourself when it came to every woman you dated, that’s just the first step. The compliments you give. The attentive body language you place yourself in. The phone calls you make and texts you send. The conversations you have with a genuine smile that has no ulterior motive mean something else when you want to be a gentleman. Because now you care about her instead of just yourself. A jerk thinks about himself first. “What can I get out of this?” is the only thing on his mind. The me and only me mentality. A gentleman thinks “What do I bring into her life? What do I have to offer her?” as well. Once the thinking changes for a man, that’s when he can stop being a jerk and start being a gentleman. The way you think is the change. This change can’t be forced. It comes with time. It comes when you want to be the man that no longer has to think “Am I doing this right? Am I a good person?” The bad boy goes about his business without ever asking those questions. The nice guy lives his life ALWAYS asking himself those questions. And the man who was once a jerk and wants to be a gentleman takes the time to recognize this about himself then does whatever it takes to make changes. You can’t give that kind of advice. There are very few men who fall into that class of “jerk to gentleman.” The majority of men are either bad boys or nice guys. I refuse to listen to the nonsense that so called writers give out on their blogs, Facebooks, Twitters, books and websites because they think they can just tell any man how to become a gentleman just because they recognize what a jerk is. We all know what a jerk looks like. We all know what a gentleman is. But to be someone who has walked in both pairs of shoes? That is tough to find. Their story usually speaks for itself. The advice is given out through the stories they have shared with the world. They don’t claim to have the answers or the right formula. No. They acknowledge who they once were and how they’re trying to become better.

I can sit at a table at an expensive restaurant with a stunning woman and run through the dating process of typical questions, compliments, canned jokes, light bodily touches with amazing food and top shelf alcohol sprinkled in. I can look her in the eye and sell her on the life that she can have with me. Convince her that not only am I better than the last guy who did this with her but that I’m better than all the men before me. Is that the jerk in me or the gentleman? Can you tell the difference? You can’t. The only person that can is him. Me. I have to mean it because I am not just thinking about myself anymore. All of the years of being the jerk have made me want to sit across from her and mean it. Because now I’m thinking about her as well. That’s the gentleman in me. A gentleman thinks about the lady as well because now he means it. A gentleman who was once a jerk will do whatever he can to be with a lady he deserves because he now knows she deserves him as well. A gentleman means it. You’re not born a gentleman. And trust me when I say it takes a very long time to get here. Now you know the difference. Now I know the difference.


Until next time. Always take it there.