T-pisode 143: Kidney F*cking Stoned!

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The hat is always with me

June 11, 2012. It was a Monday. A T-blawg day of course. My very own day of the week! I went on a bender the weekend before that Monday. Lots of booze. Lots of partying. Lots of bad food. Red Sox game. Bars. A lot of shit. I managed to still work out that entire weekend but I was off my game when Monday morning came around. So off that I called the office and told them I would be in late. I felt weird. Went back to bed. Woke up. Called the office again and told them I was working from home. I never get sick. I never call in sick. So I made myself get some work done. So I did some work. I even got a good work out in. Monday is chest & tris. Been that way for over 15 years. And then I got lunch. I managed to eat an Italian sub. Then Hurricane Katrina hit me. And I hit the bathroom. Hard. I’ll spare you all the graphic details. Thank me later. It got to the point where nothing was coming out of my body at all. From anywhere. I turned on the computer, checked some email and threw up this gem on this site. T-pisode 131: Enemies With Benefits. Then the pain came. Holy shit did the pain come.

I had a kidney infection about 10 years ago. They chalked it up to a combo of a high protein diet and dehydration at the time. That was some crazy ass pain but not as bad as this. This pain started slow on my left side. For an hour I debated whether or not to go to the hospital. If you’ve been a fan of this site then you know I hate hospitals. I wasn’t about to call someone to take “Bad Ass T” to the hospital either. Or an ambulance. The pain got so bad after that I almost fell over. I was white as a ghost and pouring sweat. I threw on the Sox hat, grabbed my phone, keys and hopped in the car and drove my ass to the hospital. I live in a part of Boston that is like 10 minutes away from a bunch of hospitals. But not my hospital. So I didn’t know where the emergency entrance was or where to park. I almost crashed my brand new car 3 times from the pain driving for only 10 minutes. I put my shit in a garage that turned out to be like 7 fucking blocks away from the emergency room. Normally I have no problem walking but I was in so much pain I could barely move or breathe. I stormed into the place and they immediately saw how messed up I was and took my vitals and blood. Now I have been in the emergency room before but that was usually on a weekend night when it was late and full of idiots and criminals. This was 7:00 on a Monday night and guess what? Yep…full of idiots and criminals. I had to wait almost 2 hours before they put me in the BACK WAITING room to wait for a doctor. I went into the bathroom and because I could no longer piss or shit something had to come out. So I projectile vomited my Italian sub all over the bathroom like the Exorcist! It was disgusting, painful but yet still funny. I came out and told the hospital staff “I’m sorry. But you made me wait. So I puked an Italian sub all over the bathroom. It’s gross in there.” After that they finally put me on a stretcher. Near a crack head. He was a legit crack head because he told me how he cooked up crack cold and shot it into his arm and then showed me the giant orange under his skin that they were trying to drain crack, blood and pus out of. The nurse gave me a light painkiller in an IV drip. The crack head was all like “Hey nurse, that shit ain’t gonna work. That’s like aspirin. Kid needs something stronger.” The crack head was right. It didn’t work at all. Maybe he used to be a doctor? I don’t know. I was in so much pain I couldn’t stay on the stretcher. I had to get up and walk around as the drip kept pulling on my vein. It was nasty! Security was watching both me and the crack head. They thought I was on drugs too. I was pale, sweaty, tats were showing and I was twitching. I would’ve thought I was a crack head too! After I explained to the doctor what I was feeling and where it was coming from they finally determined I wasn’t a junkie and started a morphine drip. Finally I felt nothing. After about 4 hours of suffering I could finally relax. Because I was high as fuck.

They did a CT scan and series of x-rays over the next couple hours. While I waited for my results, high out of my mind, I sent off a series of texts, tweets and Facebook updates including that pic above. I was really surprised by all the love and concern I got from all you T-blawg fans. Thank you for that! The doctor came back and showed me an x-ray and it was what we both expected. A damn kidney stone. It was only about 2.5mm but it was moving through my left kidney messing my shit up. The doctor told me it would most likely pass over the next 24-48 hours. He gave me some painkillers, which the crack head asked me to give him some, some flomax and a filter to pee in to catch the kidney stone. Fun times! After about 8 hours of sweet pain, life talk with a crack head and eye opening experience about the current state of hospitals and insurance in this country I finally got to leave! I picked up my meds and went home. For the next few days I went in and out of the office and spent a lot of time filtering piss. Hilarity I tell you!!! And flomax in the system of a young stud like myself causes a lot of “pee boners” which are basically morning wood during all times of the day in case you were wondering. That was so fun! I thought HR was going to call me about those giant “pee boners.” The kidney stone actually never passed. About a month later I had more x-rays and a pregnant lady ultrasound and it was determined that the kidney stone moved into my bladder and was now a non-issue. How it was caused is unknown. It was just a freak thing I guess. The doctor told me that I was healthy, had a great diet, doing all the right things and most importantly Mr. Winky was going to be ok! So my fellow bros out there who have never experienced a kidney stone. Let me tell you this…it absolutely SUCKS!!! And those of you who have, well we are now amongst the elite who know what it’s like to get softly asked by other dudes “How ya doing there buddy?” while they wince like they know what the fuck that shit feels like but are really praying that they never have to find out! Boom goes the dynamite. T’s ass was kidney stoned people.


Until next time. Always take it there.



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