T-pisode 241: Ol’ T, New Feelings

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Mind friggin' blown if you look at it this way!
Mind friggin’ blown if you look at it this way!

It’s crazy but I can sit here and write to all of you about a shit ton of different things. For instance, what it takes to meet women. How to date them. How to hook up with them. How to make them laugh. How to woo them. How to treat them right. I can go on and on about what it takes to make something out of your life. Want to make it in corporate America? Want to see what’s it like to pitch something you poured your heart into to a Hollywood executive just for them to say no? Need to know what it’s like to live, breathe and bleed the great city of Boston for an entire lifetime? Want to know how a poor kid can grow up into a successful gentleman and beat the odds? How about what it’s like sharing your life under a tucked Red Sox hat and having millions of people from around the world think you’re somebody important for 5 years because of something called #wouldwife or Bro Code? I can go on and on about a lot of things. But something I still don’t know a lot about is love. Pure, honest, unselfish love and love during and love after.

Sure I took a crack at defining the word love when I went on my 10 week word defining series tear. But that was different. I was different. Love for me was different. It wasn’t “love” love. Because I wasn’t in love when I wrote it. I didn’t just come out of love when I wrote it either. I know it’s crazy at my age to finally feel what I went through recently. I know it’s crazy to be going through what I’m going through now. Part of me is so damn glad it did happen. Part of me is so damn pissed at myself for “letting” it happen. Yeah, because you have a choice right? No. When you’re in love there is this amazing feeling that just stays with you. All…the…time. You jump out of bed more eager to start the day. Your smiles are wider than they’ve ever been. Your food tastes better. Your work at the office is on another level. Your workouts at the gym are more fun. People notice that you’re happier. Everything that you had before that feeling is just that much more amazing while you are in love. But when it stops, you are left with a void. For me it was a new void. It feels like something is missing from your life and everything comes back down to normal levels or even below what they were before love. So you try to fill that void. More work. More writing. More working out. More time with friends and family. More thinking. You try to go back to your old ways. You also try new things. But no matter what you do you can’t fill that feeling that is now missing from your heart. From your mind. From your soul. The feeling of love and the feeling of “life after love” are so powerful in their own ways. Every day I flip-flop. Every day. I want to feel that again. No I don’t want to feel that again. Will I ever feel that again? Why do I still feel like this? Am I still in love? Yes I am. Should I be? I’m not sure. What the hell was I feeling before all of this? Why can’t I go back? Do I even want to go back? It’s strange and I’m not sure why this happens to us as human beings. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Maybe “they” were right. Or maybe I’m going to punch “they” in the throat. I’m not sure yet. I’m not sure about a lot of things right now as far as love goes. I thought at this point in my life I was good. I had it all figured out. But I don’t. These new feelings changed me completely. For the better? To be determined people.

Maybe I’m not supposed to have it all figured out. Maybe this was all supposed to happen this way. Life’s grand scheme for T perhaps? I guess you’re never too old to stop learning because life is always going to teach you something. Me? I’m always planning for the future. I always like to be ready for everything. I’ve always wanted to be 5 steps ahead of anything life was going to throw at me. I CAN’T be like that anymore. I need to live more in the now. Love and life after love has taught ol’ T that much. These new feelings changed the course of my life. That much I know. Whatever is meant to be is going to happen one way or the other. You can’t plan everything. You can’t prepare for love. You can’t prepare for what it’s like after love. Live for the here and now and enjoy whatever comes your way. Don’t plan for it. Don’t force it. Just embrace it and go with it. And by it of course I mean love. Whatever “love” is for you.


Until next time. Always take it there.