Festivus. My favorite holiday of them all! It was created by the father of a writer on “Seinfeld” and made popular on the show years ago and I along with hundreds of other people (“Seinfeld” fans, Wikipedia users) have been celebrating it ever since. It happens on December 23. Two days before Christmas. Its tagline is “Festivus for the rest of us.” Its purpose is to have a holiday for the people who refuse to get caught up in the insanity of the other holidays during this time of the year. And its traditions are unmatched.
What are the traditions of Festivus? Well there is the “Festivus Pole” instead of a tree. A plain pole without any decoration. There are the “Feats of Strength” where the party isn’t over until the head of the household is pinned to the ground. There are “Festivus Miracles.” Like me waking up to Mila Kunis in my bed with her wearing nothing except my Sox hat doing the T-blawg Pose as Ashton “Douchebag” Kutcher cries about it on Twitter! And then there is my favorite tradition of them all. The “Airing of Grievances!” This is the part where you get to tell everybody how they have disappointed you over the past year. If you need a refresher, here are my lists of the people and things that have disappointed me the last 4 Festivus holidays: Festivus 4, Festivus 3, Festivus 2 and Festivus 1.
Now it’s finally time for this year’s grievances. 2013 was a fantastic year! But I managed to find some crazy shit to vent about to keep the Festivus tradition going here on T-blawg. Hell, it’s a fan favorite! I present Festivus 5!!!
Dane Cook Again
Well, well, well…we meet again. You fucker. I thought our war ended on Twitter after I verbally abused you and then you blocked me. Oh no. You immediately went to Instagram and did the T-blawg Pose. Alright douchebag, ding ding…round 5. It’s on!
What the shit?! These things are worse than fucking ecards. Stop it. They’re not funny. They’re not original. They’re annoying. You’re filling up my feed with cartoon nonsense that sucks so much ass. I turned off so many updates on my Facebook I don’t think I have any friends or family left! Good. Whatever. You’re fucking adults. Stop it!
Ran Out of Memes
I pride myself on being that guy still that sends offensive yet very funny memes to friends about a hundred times a day. So much so that I think I’ve fucking run out of memes! Whoever makes this shit in internet land needs to make some new memes! Or I need to stop sending them to people so much. Meh.
Drunk Yelling Homeless Guy
There has been a drunk guy on my street who yells gibberish for years. No one knows what the fuck he is saying. He just yells. All the fucking time. I no longer feel bad that he is homeless or an alcoholic. I honestly hope he falls into the Muddy River and washes up in another fucking state. Or gets eaten by an alligator in there. Wait, does Boston have alligators?
Here’s the thing. Don’t ever fucking laugh at someone for their crazy sense of humor. Don’t “LOL” when they text you funny shit. Don’t laugh when they write funny shit on your social media pages. Then….THEN, get mad at them when they happen to make fun of a subject or person you finally care about. That makes you a fucking hypocrite. And I hate hypocrites. If you have something to say then just say it. Don’t get mad and stop being a friend. Just talk to me about it. Otherwise, I’m going to keep doing what I do. And you are no friend after all. You’re just a fucking idiot hypocrite.
Facebook Messenger People
How the fuck are you people on this shit all day??? I see the green light next to your name and little head when I turn it on every once in a while. You should be working. Or sleeping. Or at the damn gym. So stop complaining about all your work and how tired you are because YOU ARE ALWAYS FUCKING ON FACEBOOK MESSENGER!!!! Who are you talking to anyway?! I’m sure you can just text those same friends instead at a more reasonable time!!!
If we’re out and I’m paying for your shit that means it’s a date. That means we’re dating. That means we’re banging. If we’re out and I’m not paying for your shit? That means we’re not dating. That means we’re not banging. So you need to pay for your own damn food, drinks, Celtics tickets, Bruins tickets, fucking concert tickets. Because I have plenty of female friends and they pay for their own shit. Because that’s how “just friends” works. They’re my broettes. They’re cool. You women are not. You are all just selfish, conniving, heartless bitches. Get it? Well now you do. You’re welcome. It’s a Festivus Miracle if this actually resonates with you!
Social Media Fights
I’m a grown ass man. I don’t do social media fights. You got a problem? Come see me. Feats of Strength time baby!!!
People Not Hashtagging #tblawgpose
Stop tucking your hats low and not hashtagging #tblawgpose!!! No one fucking did this on the internet before T-blawg! NO ONE!!!! You sons of bitch bastards! Shit looks cool when you do it on Instagram for all your dopey friends right? Well pay the piper or I will put the hashtag on yo shit for you! No fucks given.
Unnecessary Social Media Post/Pic/Video Tagging
Why the hell are you tagging me in posts and pics that I give no fucks about? Shit that I am not even in??? How much attention do you crave? This shit is so annoying. I will block yo’ ass! We need social media police because I would totally call them on you!
The Angel of Death For Killing Tony Soprano
You took an icon from us. Sure it was probably all the shitty food and lack of exercise that did this fat man in. But still. And now we’ll never know if Tony died in the diner while Meadow took too long to fucking park her car in a Sopranos movie!!!
Stupid Dating Rules
I’ve never hated my dating rules or the rules some women follow and refuse to break more than I do right now. I get it. We have these rules to protect ourselves from getting hurt but man the older I get the more I realize too many rules keep the right people away. I’ll follow along. Don’t like it. But I’ll respect it. For now.
You’re on my radar. I know you’re ripping off my shit. You’re fake. You’re a poser. Everything you have is a lie or paid for by someone else. I’m self made. That’ why T-blawg will always be better. Fucking hack fuck.
People That Said & Still Say “though/tho/doe” A Lot This Year
This is downright fucking embarrassing. I feel bad for all you adults that said and still say this. Stop it. You sound like an uneducated fucktard tho.
So all of the Pink Hatters that gave up on the Red Sox threw on some Pink Beards once the Sox started winning and even more of you did it when they won it all this season. Hahaha you fucking assholes! Get outta Boston!!!
48 Hour TV Show Grace Period Breakers
There is a fucking 48 hour grace period before you can post anything on social media about a TV show! Some of us have lives. We’re busy. We sometimes cannot watch a show at its original time. So…DO NOT FUCKING RUIN SONS OF ANARCHY FOR ME EVER AGAIN OR I WILL CUT YOU!!! After 48 hours? Go ahead. Post away! If I haven’t watched it by then, then that shit is on me and I deserve to suffer. Get it? We good??? Alright. Cool.
The Security Guards At The Sistine Chapel
It took four old ass guido security guards to make me delete the pics I snuck inside the Sistine Chapel. I’m going back to Italy one day without my mother and kicking all your asses. You ruined my “Good Will Hunting” moment!!! Baby Jesus is crying now.
You guys are really ruining some great women for me you know that? None of you respect Bro Code. None of you respect women. And I’m the one that has to pay for your mistakes. You’re good at what you do though. Have an intelligent woman calling you a douchebag yesterday but defending you today while she’s all twisted in denial. I got you figured out though. I’m going to kick all your asses right after I come back from Italy after kicking those security guards’ asses. Putting my ass kicking boots on right now.
My Kidney Stone’s Revenge
Oh I thought we were done a year and a half ago. I was wrong. Thank you for waiting in my bladder this long and almost killing me on a 9 hour flight back from Italy. I pissed you out along with a quart of blood. Then flushed you out of the airplane. You were probably swallowed by some fish in the Atlantic Ocean. That fish probably choked to death because you were straight from hell you little fucker you! I hate you the most.
Until next time. Always take it there.