I think everyone has some sort of personal vendetta against a disease or illness. Something that has affected their life. Something that has taken a lot from them. Something that is a constant pain that is just relentless. Mine is cancer. It doesn’t matter how much good or bad you do in this world, there will always be something like cancer that will swoop in and bring you nothing but pain and loss. That is just one of the harsh realities of life. I don’t put this out there for the world. Not on T-blawg. Not on my personal stuff. What I do to help cancer research and to support the good fight against it, I keep close to my chest. I do what I can. It’s very personal for me. I’m writing this now. Cancer gets one T-pisode from me. Because fuck cancer.
I don’t know if all the operations my mother had when I was a kid were because of cancer or not. I don’t think I’ll ever know. I do remember all the operations though. The ones more recently I know were because of cancer that’s for sure. What she is going through now is cancer. Her upcoming third lung surgery is because of cancer. Fuck cancer. I remember when I was a little kid and saw my grandfather help my grandmother change her bandages when her breast was cut off because of breast cancer. She would later pass away from breast cancer when I was 15 years old. Fuck cancer. I remember when that same grandfather was in the hospital when I was 10 years old and took a violent seizure in front of me because of leukemia. He never came home. He died from that leukemia. Fuck cancer. I remember a year later when I was 11 and my aunt and godmother was brought home from the hospital because there was nothing they could do for her. She passed away from pancreatic cancer. I still remember my mother, grandmother and cousins crying. Fuck cancer. I remember visiting my grandfather in the hospital with my mother when I was 14 years old. We went everyday after school for two weeks. He told me to be good. He passed away from pancreatic cancer as well. Fuck cancer. When the mayor of Boston died recently because cancer spread through his body it hit me hard as well. This man was more than the mayor of Boston to me. He promised me that he would give me scholarship money if I kept up with good grades in college. He stayed true to his word and every year in college he handed me a check for $2500. He knew me personally. He knew my mother. He did amazing things for the city including what he did during the marathon bombings. He gave a shit about a poor, punk, Eastie kid. Fuck cancer. A girl I was recently close with at such a young age is dealing with cervical cancer. I miss her and hope she is fighting. She’s a strong one. Fuck cancer. I know several friends and family who have battled hodgkin’s lymphoma. Fuck cancer. Some have battled thyroid cancer and still have the throat scars to show for it. Fuck cancer. Some have battled skin cancer. Fuck cancer. Fucking cancer… Fuck cancer. Fuck cancer. FUCK cancer.
I hate cancer. I hate what is has done to so many people in my life. It has taken so much. What makes it harder is that it is something I don’t have an answer for. I’m a problem solver. I figure things out and come up with a solution. I can’t with cancer. I’m also a fighter. But I can’t fight and beat cancer. Mostly because it’s not my fight. I would GLADLY fight for those I cared about. But it’s not like I can step in and beat up a bully with my hands here. Not with cancer. My greatest fear used to be that I would end up like my father. But now I know that will never happen because I am my own man now. I have been for a while. My greatest fear now is that no matter how much good I do, how healthy I try to be, that somehow, someway, cancer is going to come for me too. Crazy? Maybe. But this is the impact cancer has had on me. On my life. On the people I love. And this is personal. And I won’t write about cancer ever again. Because…fuck cancer.
Until next time. Always take it there.