T-pisode 41: Legendary Childhood Moments 2

My first “Legendary Childhood Moments” post was a fan favorite. Of course being as evil as I was you didn’t think that’s all I did, did you?! Oh no. There’s more from where that came from. I present to you a few more of my evil childhood doings. These are some of my epic childhood injuries as well.

Split Eye Open Watching Porn (Age 6)
Like most men my father enjoyed his porn. He had a stack of porn in his closet and we always had a black box stealing cable in the house that provided the porn channel. This wasn’t the Spice channel or Playboy at the time. It was like original cable porn. Classic. We lived in an old apartment that had giant ass metal radiators in every room. I was home alone with my father. He was asleep on the couch. Porn was on the tv. I fell asleep on the edge of my parents bed and woke up and could see it. I had no idea what the fuck was happening on the tv! So I leaned over to get a better look. I slipped off the bed and busted my eye on the radiator. I got up screaming in agonizing pain. Woke my father up. He gave me ice in a rag. My mother came home from Bingo and was shocked as I sat at the kitchen table swelled up and bleeding. She asked me what happened and I said I rolled off the bed while sleeping. But as we all know now, it was because of my porn addiction.

First Fist Fight at School (Age 7)
I got into my share of fist fights in my life. But I took school very serious and tried to stay out of trouble there. Shit I was a good student. But this bully kept fucking with me. I told him not to fuck with me. Everyday. Fucking with me. Until one day before the bell rang as we lined up to file into school and with our mothers watching he fucked with me for the last time. He said some shit about my family and hit me in the back of the head. I dropped my shit then dropped him. I got on top of him and choked him with one hand while pummeling him with the other. Our school principal came running over yelling “Stop it! Stop it! You’re killing him!” Killing him? Relax. I’m 7. It was just a beating. My mother grabbed me off him. He never fucked with me again.

Fell and Damaged My Brain (Age 7)
My mother worked 3 jobs to support us when I was a kid. It was doable during the school year but tough during the Summer. She enrolled me in a Summer day camp program that I had to go to everyday while she worked to stay out of trouble. These cheap Boston day camp programs had older, miserable punk counselors who did a shitty job watching the younger kids. They brought us to this park and let us play. The counselors disappeared and I ran through the park’s water sprinkler. I fell and the back of my head broke my fall from the concrete. They didn’t take me to the hospital. I told my mother. She brought me to the hospital and the doctors checked my head and wanted to do a cat scan. They wanted to inject me with a giant ass needle that would light my brain up first. Five doctors, my mother and my grandfather tried to tie me down to that fucking machine. I broke free and booked it out of the hospital. I was wearing a hospital gown. My mother found me waiting at the car. She gave me my clothes and said “Now we’ll never know if you had brain damage”. I think we all know.

Caught with Porn in Schoolyard (Age eight)
Like I said before, I had an early infatuation with porn. I found my father’s stash of magazines and brought them to school with me. Again before the bell rang, my buddies and I jumped into this giant ditch in the schoolyard as our mothers drank coffee. I busted open a magazine and we oogled 1980’s hairy, natural breasted women. It was amazing. Then I heard “What are you looking at?” It was my mother. It was all our mothers standing above us. Always honest with my mother, I said “Dad’s porn.” She was embarrassed. She grabbed me by my head and we all got beatings from our mothers in front of everybody. Well worth it though.

Rammed Heads Together, Ran Into Brick Wall (Age 9)
My sister and I are really cool now. As kids though? We fought all the time. One time my sister and my cousin were sitting on my grandparents’ front step waiting for us to leave. I saw them sitting there. Like a cartoon, I snuck up behind them and rammed their heads together as hard as I could. Then I jumped over them and ran. I was laughing like a maniac. I looked back but couldn’t see them hoping they were chasing. Then….boom. I woke up and saw my mother driving to my left. My grandfather to my right. I was in the front seat of my mother’s car and we were speeding. I said “I can’t see out of my right eye. What the fuck happened?” My grandfather said “You ran into a wall being fresh.” He held ice to my eye. My mother said “You ruined your new jacket. It’s covered in blood. You’re going to need stitches this time.” She was right. I had to get 7 stitches above my right eye. Left a scar too. I looked and felt like Rocky. It was awesome.

911 Call for Papa (Age 9)
My crank calls are epic. Some just downright stupid though. I really wanted to challenge the whole 911 system. I was at my grandparents house and everybody was in the dining room. I went into the kitchen and dialed 911. I said “My grandfather has passed out. He’s on the floor. You better send somebody fast. If he dies, it’s on you!” My mother walked in. I slammed the phone down. She looked at me and said “What did you do?” I ran by her and said “Nothing.” The operator called right back and my mother answered. She told my mother that a little boy had just called and said his grandfather just passed out. My mother covered for me and said he was sleeping and I was confused. She hung up and yelled at me. She told my grandparents. My grandfather asked “What would you do if the police came?” I said “Make you lay down on the floor and act like you died.” They were pissed but I could hear them laughing as I went into the other room. I miss my grandparents.

Fell Off Stupid Climbing Thing (Age 10)
There was a park near my house growing up. It was a shitty park. Somehow the city finally got funding to put in a new playground. My mother brought me and my buddy there to play. They put in this 15 foot tall giant, wooden block climbing thing. I climbed all the way up to the top and sure enough as soon as I got there my mother said “You’re gonna fall stupid.” And I did. I woke up with my mother and my buddy looking at me. “What the fuck?” I said. “See! You fell. I told you.” my mother said. She made my buddy go home and helped me up. “Can you walk?” she asked me. “Well can you carry me up the hill all the way home?” I said. She said “No. You better walk. You were out for like 10 minutes and I don’t know CPR. I thought you were dead.” What the fuck?! I didn’t die that day. But instead I got to limp all the way home.

Swap & Shop Crank Calls (Age 12)
When I was a kid we didn’t have caller ID or *69. You made crank calls and got away scott free! My cousin and I were inspired by the Jerky Boys and our older cousin told us how they recorded their calls. So we went to RadioShack and spent 5 bucks on the phone tap thing to record our calls. I slept over his house and we were ready to do work. At that time there was a channel on basic cable where you could advertise the things you were selling. It was just text on a screen. It was a description and your phone number. This was pre-internet, pre-ebay, pre-craigslist days. So of course we decided to respond to these ads at almost everyone of our weekend sleepovers and record them from like midnight to 4AM! It was awesome! We perfected our character voices & crank call skills and filled dozens of blank cassette tapes with our finest work! Including the giant bird-cage call. Where we asked a guy about the size of a bird-cage and if it could hold a baby all day while I was at work. To our surprise he said it could. And then there was the guy selling his VHS collection. Where we made him name off all the titles while repeatedly asking if he had any deals on child pornography as well. We also contacted an old man about an apartment he was renting and if it had Mediterranean kitchen cabinets. It was an apartment must for us! And of course there was the local burger joint where we complained about the roach in our burger and how we’re going to kill everybody there. They really wanted to fight after the 15th call. Hours and hours of fun. If I had those tapes today….well I don’t know if I’d be rich from putting them online, but I know I’d laugh my ass off.

So there you have it. Just a little bit more of some of my legendary childhood moments. Or as I am going to start calling them “birth control”. But I’m sure your kids will be angels. Like mine will be one day.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T