T-pisode 191: T Became A Tough Mudder

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I almost died like 20 times up in that damn mountain for this fucking thing people!
I almost died like 20 times up in that damn mountain for this fucking thing people!

Being the good Italian Catholic boy that I am…yeah right, this past February I decided to give up alcohol for Lent. For 40 days & 40 nights I would not indulge in the “devil’s juice.” I’ve done it before and I would do it again. During this time I also decided to register for Tough Mudder Boston. I wanted revenge for last year when I was floored on my ass with kidney stones while training for the last local Tough Mudder. And I was already a Spartan so it made sense at that time to start training to become a Tough Mudder. So I began my journey and embarked on an insane diet/training/lifestyle routine to prepare myself for Tough Mudder Boston on June 1st, 2013 in Gunstock New Hampshire. Yeah I know. I don’t know why they called it Boston either. Can’t believe they lumped us in with that hillbilly state. Just kidding you hillbillies! Not really.

Like the immortal Hulk Hogan, my routine consisted of training, prayers and vitamins. Well more like two-a-days at the gym for 6-7 days a week, weights, lots of steps, interval training, cursing a lot, lots of supplements, sweating all the damn time, no junk food and the 40 days turned into 105 days with only 3 “real” cheat days and a vacation in California on the tail end! I couldn’t even drink my way through my entire vacation. Which is what I usually do on my vacations. I friggin’ drank water at Bruins, Celtics & Red Sox games people!!! When I do something I go hardcore. That’s just the way I am. So the evening before Tough Mudder, my team and I drove up to NH and barely slept in the hotel room because we were full of adrenaline and liquids. Not the alcohol kind either. But a shit ton of water and Powerade. And for some reason we were all fascinated with the new HBO “Liberace” movie and kept talking about it. Fucking Liberace. The Tough Mudder race itself was 11 miles and 20 obstacles. That description DOES NOT do it justice. And my training DID NOT do it justice. Tough Mudder Boston made the Spartan race I did in Fenway Park seem like a fun Saturday night out at the club where I end up in bed with two sisters in their 20s! That has happened before. Oh what a night. Tough Mudder was hell on Earth people. But it was a fun painful hell. I mean I can have fun anywhere and I’m most likely going to hell when I die so I think I got a glimpse of what my afterlife is going to be like that day. As I write this, three days after Tough Mudder, I have cuts, bruises, bug bites, burns and dirt still all over my body. My legs still hurt. My knees are swollen. I probably won’t be able to have kids because my nuts are damaged. It was brutal. The obstacles were actually a relief to the time spent running up & down the mountain. At times it was walking. And crawling. And limping. And being pushed. And dragged up and down the mountain. I’m a strong guy both mentally & physically. I’m very independent. I have quite the ego at times. But I’m also a team player when I need to be and thank Baby Jesus for the team I had that day. Because they were all beasts and didn’t leave me for dead up on that mountain. And together we got our orange headbands.

I could go into detail about each obstacle. Each mile. Each accomplishment. Each fall. Each cut. Each bruise. I could describe what Kiss of Mud, Arctic Enema, Cage Crawl, Funky Monkey and Electroshock were really like. How they really felt. But I won’t. You just wouldn’t understand. Watching Tough Mudder on YouTube or The Today Show wouldn’t make you understand. And no it is nothing like those stupid shows on TV like Wipe Out. Tough Mudder was made to mentally and physically break you. If that is your crazy idea of fun like mine, then do a Tough Mudder. A lot of people have asked me “T, you did all that for just an orange headband?” No people. It wasn’t for the headband. It was for what that headband represents. I left everything I had on that damn mountain. And now T is a Tough Mudder.


Until next time. Always take it there.