T-blawg is coming up on its sixth year anniversary so naturally I’ve had the bug to start doing sequels to some of my T-pisodes. One sequel I never wanted to write was one to my famous kidney stone T-pisode! But guess what? Here I am. Yup. I planned on writing a new batch of T-pisodes this past weekend but instead I woke up Thursday morning with an all too familiar feeling. A weird feeling. An uncomfortable feeling. A fucking painful feeling. I knew another kidney stone was about to come out of my body and into this world. So let me tell you about my 72 hours in hell in this T-pisode which I properly titled “Kidney Stoned II: The F*cking Sequel.”
You see in the last T-pisode it was mostly about the movement of the stone from my kidney to my bladder and then that little son of a bitch just sat there in my bladder for 17 months. I didn’t pass it until the plane ride back from Venice, Italy. It didn’t bother me the entire time until that moment. I didn’t get into the “passing of the stone” in my Italy T-pisode because it would’ve taken up more space than the actual trip itself. There are two phases to passing a kidney stone. Phase 1, it decides to leave your kidney and move through it into your bladder. Phase 2, you have to move the stone out of your bladder and out of your body. Which means if you’re a man like me, you have to pass it through your penis. Look, I know kidney stones are personal. But all of T-blawg is personal for me so I’m sharing this horrible experience for a second time. I’m raising “Kidney Stone Awareness” up in here and I’m going to find a way to end those little fuckers once and for all! So after feeling the uncomfortable Thursday I started to throw up. A lot. The only good thing about passing a stone before is that you know that you are passing one again and what to do in this situation. Last time I almost crashed my car trying to drive to the hospital. This time I was going to call a cab but I couldn’t stop throwing up. So my sister came into the city and took me to the hospital. And like a champ, she stayed with me the entire time. After telling nurses and doctors my symptoms and telling them my name and birth date a thousand fucking times, they got me on drugs. A lot of drugs. Double the dose from the last stone actually. Then I had to get a few ultrasounds because this time it was on my right side instead of my left and they had to rule out appendicitis. They sedated me and told me I had a stone double the size of my last one exiting my kidney into my bladder and hopefully it would pass soon. They gave me some painkillers, some FloMax (again) and 3 little paper funnels to catch the fucker and sent me on my happy way. That was my 7 hours in the emergency room. That was only a quarter of the battle however.
I didn’t sleep much Thursday night or all day Friday. I was pounding water and high on painkillers. I hate taking drugs for anything but this was terrible. Again, I had a stone before, I’m covered in tats, I’m a Tough Mudder, a Spartan, been in my share of fights, been baseball batted, bottled, stabbed, stitched, boxing trained, BJJ trained, Muay Thai trained and nothing…NOTHING compares to having a little rock in your body tear through your organs and exit through your pee hole. NOTHING I tell you! My cousin and his family brought me a care package of soup & Gatorade. Friends & family & co-workers called, emailed and texted. A certain lady friend kept checking in on me. I live alone but wasn’t alone. Then around 11:30PM Friday I felt the shift to my penis. Then I had to pee every 10 fucking minutes for the next 12 hours. I did not sleep. AT ALL. I was hallucinating. It SUCKED. Finally at 4:30PM Saturday afternoon the sand came, then the blood, then the unholy POP. I caught it in the funnel. I was done. It felt like I just came back from war. I see my urologist every 6 months. He said I’m doing all the right things with my health, diet and staying hydrated. This is just something I’ll have to deal with the rest of my life. And according to T-blawg math, I’m passing a stone every 143 T-pisodes! So maybe I shouldn’t write these every Monday anymore because they saw two more stones still in my kidney. And I really don’t want to go to war again anytime soon yo.
Until next time. Always take it there.