There was no way in hell I could let T-blawg end without one last Festivus T-pisode. I love Festivus. Always have. Always will. In my eyes Festivus was the first T-blawg series. Before Bro Code. Before my travel adventures. Before my birthday epiphanies. Before Valentine’s Day sucked. Festivus was the one that started it all. This is the only series to reach a sixth consecutive annual T-pisode. A fitting T-pisode right before the 260th finale. I know it’s a little early but I had to get in one more “Airing of Grievances” people! But feel free to read this again along with the last five Festivus T-pisodes on actual Festivus, December 23rd. Here are the rest: Festivus 5, Festivus 4, Festivus 3, Festivus 2 and Festivus 1.
Now it’s time for this year’s grievances. 2014 was a rollercoaster year for me. The highest highs and the lowest lows. So I have plenty of grievances and I’m going out with a bang! I present Festivus 6!!! THE FINAL FESTIVUS.
Fuck you. You came back and my mother kicked your ass one more time. You came back and you took the greatest mayor Boston has ever had. You’ve taken a lot from my life for a very long time. Stop coming back. You fuck.
My Asshole Nerve
My asshole nerve REALLY fucked up my shit this year man! I couldn’t lift or train for my fun mud races for 4 months. You kind of fucked up my road trip with my then girlfriend. Then I had to get a steroid shot and I’m just getting healed up…6 months later! You will forever be called my asshole nerve because of this. Just so you know.
No more vacations with women EVER again!
Speaking of girlfriends and road trips… Fuck this shit too man. To quote Kanye West…“How you gonna get mad on vacation?!” I don’t know what it is with you women and why you put so much into vacations with guys but they make you change. They make you crazier. You hold stupid shit in then you blame us men for shit we don’t understand. Fuck you and these vacations. The next fucking time I go on a vacation with a woman it will be on my honeymoon after she signs the damn pre-nup. I’m done until then. I deserve a lot fucking better than that.
You sneaky degenerate thirsty dickheads. You’re not on my level. You’re not on the level of any grown men actually. You are all lower than whale shit. Keep preying on the weak women. We’ll take the strong, good ones. You can have our sloppy seconds and use social media as part of your game to get them. Classless women love attention from douchebags they don’t know apparently.
Ombre Zebra Heads
I don’t even know what this is or why it’s called this?! All I know is that a lot of women started popping up all over the place this year with two-toned colored hair and that shit looked stupid. The fuck?!
I don’t care what you say. If you’re on this you are absolutely sending and receiving dick & vagina pics. And you are absolutely shady and pathetic as fuck if you’re over 25 doing this. But hey that’s none of my business. Speaking of which…
Kermit The Frog Meme
This was the greatest meme EVER!!! And I know my memes. But you all played it out so damn fast. It’s a shame. *sips some Lipton tea
My Stupid Heart
My heart betrayed me this year. Fucking thing caught the feels and fell in love with the wrong one. Almost put my ass in a state of depression because it happened when everything else in my life went to shit. But then the little fucker showed me how strong it could be and kept going. Thank you for that at least bro.
The shitty 2014 Red Sox
So let me get this straight… From worst to first back to worst again? I’m so confused. You’re all like that one pain in the ass ex-girlfriend. Easy to love AND hate while confusing the shit out of me.
Anti-ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Jerks
How the fuck are you going to hate on something that’s for a good cause??? I don’t get it. When I saw people on social media complaining about this I wanted to take one of the ice buckets and crack them all over the fucking head with it. Really?! Complaining about raising awareness and money to fight a horrible disease?! Really?! Have you ever seen in person what this awful disease does? Well I have. So you all can really go fuck yourselves. Hard.
You all need to relax. It’s Instagram not a modeling agency honey. You’re in the club bathroom for fuck sake. Classless broads are shitting in the stalls behind you. Some are puking. Probably giving some dude head too. Your girlfriend just blew a line of coke next to you. I mean I like a good hot chick selfie as much as the next guy but 197 of them?! In a week??? You’re hot, but not 197 selfies hot. Stop it because I WILL unfollow you. Eventually. When I get around to it.
Where the hell did you come from?! Ebola. How the fuck did Ebola make it to America in this day and age? But if you really are the start to the zombie apocalypse, just know that I’ve been preparing for this my entire life motherfucker. So I’m good yo. Bring it.
You may be nice. You may be sweet. You may be educated. You may be beautiful. But no one…NO GUY…can ever stay in love with a selfish woman. Selfishness is an ugly fucking trait. And I won’t have anything to do with selfish women EVER again.
The word bae and the people who use it!
This is the dumbest fucking word ever created. You all sound so FUCKING stupid when you use it. Just so you know.
I have a love/hate relationship with you. I’m a bad boy still and we look good together. No doubt. But the corporate America folks that cut those checks for me don’t like you. I don’t know what to do with you my friend. Either we keep pissing off the system or we gotta part ways permanently. Only time will tell. At least the chicks love us yo. Thug life.
Sons of Anarchy
I’m a huge Sons fan since the beginning. But this final season has sucked. Let’s not bullshit. The Sopranos final season was epic until that debatable very last scene. But the majority of the Sons’ episodes so far have been shitty and confusing. I hope the very last episode goes out with greatness. Nothing worse than being disappointed by one of your all time favorite TV shows.
Speaking of disappointments this year. For a few months this year I was down. I lost a lot and thought I was losing more. There were some people who I barely heard from or not at all. Hardly a call or a text, let alone seeing them. I didn’t plan on making my inner circle smaller this year but they did it for me. You weren’t there for me then, I won’t be there for you now. Peace!
City life ending for me
This is it. I had my epic city run. I’m ready to buy a place in the burbs. And I’m fine with that choice but part of me hates to admit that time has caught up to me and is somewhat forcing this change. So fuck you father time! You are my final Festivus grievance. LOLz.
So that’s it people. The very last airing of grievances in the T-blawg Festivus Finale! Hope you enjoyed them. What a run. Next week…The End of T-blawg. Wait, what?
Until next time. Always take it there.