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My “What Her Facebook Pic is Really Saying” Post

January 10, 2011 By 10 Comments

REALLY?!

I’m just going to put this out there. Tons of women put up some really misleading and pointless pics on their Facebook pages. You think you look cute. You don’t. You think you look funny. You don’t. You think you look cool. You don’t. You think you’re being original. You’re not. You want the truth baby? Well that’s what I do. Here’s what your Facebook pic is really saying to the world.

Self portrait holding phone up in the mirror
I’m just like every other conceited chick on here. I need attention. “Like” my pic so I have some self-esteem. Thank you.

Arm bent on hip pose
I think I’m fat. This hides my arm fat though. I may be skinny. I may be fat. Either way I have issues.

Me with a bunch of my hot friends
I have enough confidence to know that I am hot. Maybe too much. But now that you know I have hot friends, will you hit on them too? Oh shit.

My girlfriends cropped out
I’m catty and I hate other women. Even my friends. Imagine what I’ll be like to the women in your life.

A pic of me from 5 years ago
Yeah. I don’t look like this anymore. No way. But I really want to believe it. I really want you to believe it more.

Me cuddling my pet really hard and awkward
Crazy pet chick. That is all.

Me with other people’s kids
See?! I’m loving. I’ll make a good mother some day! I’m totally fucking tricking you right now.

A pic of food
I’m not fat. Really. All chicks take pics of food and make them their profile pics. It means I’m secure about my body image. Don’t judge me. Quick where’s the bathroom? I need to go gag myself.

Me in my slutty Halloween costume from 2004. Even though it’s January 2011 right now.
Oh. I’m a bad, bad girl. I want you to think so at least. No. I won’t play dress up for you. As a matter of fact, once we start dating, this hot ass costume will be replaced by an unsexy full body Gumby suit.

My ex Photoshopped out very badly
I know out of all the pics of me on Facebook I decided to use this one because I still really really hate my ex! He’s an asshole! You know what he did to me?! 5 years ago??? No this isn’t a red flag. I’m totally over him. Really. I’m going to unblock him again today to see what he’s been up to. WHAT?! He still has me blocked?! I’m going to cut his tires right now.

A pic from my childhood
I have lived a life full of regret and the 8-year-old in me hates me. I want you to think I was cute for some reason. Even though most of you didn’t know me back then. Shut up. I’m confused. Where’s the wine?

Me and my hot sister
Isn’t she beautiful??? She’s like a younger, hotter, sluttier version of me and now you have a comparison. I know I shouldn’t be mad about your 3 way fantasy with the 2 of us. But I will be. Even though I only have myself to blame.

My Semi-Professional Model Pic
Everybody knows I’m not a model. But with a nice camera, a lot of makeup, fake eye lashes, fake fingernails, hair extensions, a push up bra, a bunch of borrowed clothes and a lot of Photoshop I kind of look like one. But I really am looking for a relationship built on trust and honesty. So lets keep it real. What?

The black and white Pic
I’m artsy! Look! Wait I’m really not. I just learned Photoshop 2 hours ago.

I’m clearly drunk
So I like my booze??? After a few AA meetings I’ll take it down.

Me with the Peace Sign
I’m really not a peaceful hippie. I’m unoriginal so this is the best I could come up with. This means I’m also like a cold piece of fish in bed.

Me giving the Finger
I want you to think I’m bad ass. Like fuck the world or something. But I really just hate myself more and more as I close in on 30.

Just my cleavage
I’m really not a slut. I just have really nice boobs. And I really want a guy to like me for what’s on the inside. What?

Me driving pic
I’m about to die. What….up.

Kissy duck face
Don’t I look like such a cute kissy duck face?! Who’s the cute kissy duck face??? I’m the cute kissy duck face! Yes I am! Yes I….wait don’t delete me. Come back!

Looking off to the side for no reason whatsoever self-portrait
I’m half retarded. At least. Maybe full.

In my sluttiest outfit for the club. Either at the club. Or at home before the club.
This is hours and hours of gym time, dieting, working out and tanning. It took weeks to find this dress. Spent too much money on my fake hair and makeup. But I’m not superficial. I just want one guy to prove to me that he’s not like the rest. And I’m going to find him and test him while looking like this. In a club. When I’m drunk. Yep. That makes sense.

Me just waking up/no make up/belly showing etc. With the caption “I look gross/fat”
Yes you really do. But you want a hundred guys to say you don’t while still clicking on the like button. You’re fucking crazy.

I’m on to all of you. Now everybody else is too. Your Facebook pics are stupid. Smarten the fuck up.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Children, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Facebook, Fashion, Funny, Health, Holiday, Humor, Interesting, Life, Money, Opinionated, Party, Photos, Social Media, t-blawg, Uncategorized, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “10 Sports T Despises and How MMA Can Help” Post

January 3, 2011 By 10 Comments

This should be allowed in corporate America.

I’m a huge MMA fan. HUGE! I’m not one of those fickle fans who jumped on the bandwagon a couple of years ago when the UFC was getting hot either. I was a fan since the early 90s when the UFC was banned in the US and like little 100 pound dudes fought like 350 pound dudes without gloves in consecutive marathon fights. Now it’s regulated, legit and popular. Just look at all the Affliction wearing douches around you. I also train. Not like a pro. Because I have a real life. And I like my teeth. But for the past few years I’ve incorporated Muay Thai, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Dirty Boxing into my training routine. Anyways, I’m not just an MMA fan I’m also a huge sports fan. As you probably already know if you’ve been reading t-blawg for a while. But there are some sports I just can’t get into. That I actually despise. I think if they took some elements from MMA they might actually get me to watch them. Maybe. Here are “10 Sports T Despises and Maybe MMA Can Help”.

Soccer
I fucking hate soccer. HATE. With a passion. These dudes run up and down a field that seems like it is 100 miles long for what seems like 9 boring fucking hours only to have the game end in a 0-0 tie. Why would I like this?
How MMA Can Help: If the game is still tied at the end of the 9 hours have 2 players from both teams put 2 players from the opposing teams into rear naked chokes. Whoever taps first loses the game. Simple.

NASCAR
The only sport I hate as much as soccer is NASCAR. These hillbillies drive really really fast and turn left every now and then. That’s a sport?! If your only joy from watching a sport is hoping that some shit blows up and people die, it’s not a real sport!
How MMA Can Help: At every single pit stop the driver has to get out of his car and take 25 shin kicks from a Muay Thai expert before he can get back in his car and start driving again.

Golf
Golf is not a sport. I’ll say it again. Golf is not a sport. I played golf once in my life. So I hardly have any experience. But if I can get up hungover out of my mind in Las Vegas to play 18 holes with my buddies where we all puke on the course and start drinking again while we play, it’s not a fucking sport. No way. No how. Because that’s how we did it.
How MMA Can Help: Every time a golfer hits their ball into the water where the fans watching wonder if there’s an alligator in it, the golf refs put an actual alligator in it and the stupid golfer has to submit the alligator to get his ball back.

Tennis
These so called athletes hit a ball back and forth grunting like retards while some guy on a lifeguard chair keeps score. And I don’t know how he does it. The scoring system makes no sense. How many games have to be played to have a winner??? Why is this stupid sport so confusing? Besides Serena’s giant tank ass what else is there to want to watch?
How MMA Can Help: Loser has to put his tennis racket in front of his face while taking 2 minutes of ground and pound from Brock Lesnar.

Women’s Basketball
Hey call me sexist on this one I don’t care. But women’s basketball is not a sport. It’s horrible. The games end with scores of like 37-22. Those are what dude’s score in like 1 quarter! And if there’s no dunking, it isn’t basketball. Sorry. These chicks can’t dunk. Plus there isn’t a female version of LeDouche James to hate. Every sport needs a villain. And I just hate them all. It isn’t the same. Even that UCONN team. Stop it.
How MMA Can Help: Put a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu pro into the losing team’s mascot costume and have it kick the shit out of the losers immediately after the last buzzer. That shit would be hilarious!

Volleyball
Nobody watches the dudes play. Not since that Tom Cruise volleyball scene in Top Gun. The gayest movie scene known to man. And we only watch the chicks play to see their hot, sweaty bodies. Other than that high note this sport is pointless.
How MMA Can Help: Ban all dudes and just make the chicks have to wrestle each other in a kiddie pool full of baby oil. Actually MMA doesn’t even need to help this sport. Just use my baby oil kiddie pool idea volleyball people.

Softball
The lesbian version of baseball you mean? Get out of here. Wouldn’t watch this shit with your eyes.
How MMA Can Help: Just end the sport entirely and take these masculine chicks and put them in the octagon to bang it out. Call it FUFC. Female UFC. Thank me later Dana White.

Boxing
This sport was once awesome. But it became so corrupted and shitty nobody cares about it. How can I care about a sport that has a 98 year-old, earless, no long-term or short-term memory capable Evander Holyfield still fighting?! I can’t! Manny Pacquiao? Yeah he’s good. For someone the size of a 10 year-old boy who sings karaoke. And until he and Mayweather actually fight, this sport is a damn joke.
How MMA Can Help: MMA cannot help this sport. If you want to see two real men beat the hell out of each other just watch MMA instead. That’s it.

Horse Racing
All of the degenerates in my family watched this sport when I was a kid. So they could gamble. It’s basically a bunch of angry midgets riding and whipping the shit out of horses as they race around a muddy track. It’s so damn lame.
How MMA Can Help: Put the midgets in the octagon with the angry horses instead. Let the horses get a little pay back. Watch a midget get horse kicked out of an octagon and laugh as his little body soars 10 rows into the crowd. Awesome!

The Entire Olympics
Hey I’m all about the USA. I love this country. But the Olympics absolutely suck. Summer and Winter. Suck. Nobody gives a shit about those lame ass sports all year round but when the Olympics come on everybody is all of a sudden an expert. A fan. Cheering. Talking like they know and love the sport because the TV told you to. Shut up. They suck. You suck. You faker. Curling?! Really?! You like curling? The tea kettle and ice sweeping sport? Sledding? You like sledding now too?! You really enjoy watching and cheering that shitty team playing basketball that dares to compare itself to the great Dream Team??? Magic Johnson is rolling over in his grave!!! Oh wait. He’s rich. He has the cure. Anyways. The Olympics are lame.
How MMA Can Help: Until they let MMA into the Olympics I refuse to give a shit. So it can’t help. But if the losing country gets taken over by the winning country, now we’re talking! Every country would be USA baby! Or maybe Canada. Oh no. Wait. We don’t want that. Not America Jr.!

Ten sports that MMA just made cooler. Get on it people in charge of the sports I named! Because until you do, T refuses to watch. And how can T do an “Epic Game Moment” blog post for a sport that he refuses to watch. Hmm? Hmm? Think about that shit.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Comedy, Crazy, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Funny, Health, Humor, Interesting, Life, MMA, Movies, Opinionated, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, TV, UFC, Uncategorized, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “T Does Philly in 3 Paragraphs” Post

December 27, 2010 By 12 Comments

How I do Philly

*I’ve decided to do a series of blog posts that capture my travels throughout my life. In 3 paragraphs. I’ll post them every once in a while. Some places I’ve been to a few times, others only once. And some I will probably never go back to because of what went down there.

I’m a huge fan of Philadelphia. Huge. Before my first visit there my only knowledge of Philly was from the Rocky movies. They made it seem like a great working class city where Italians are idolized. Sounded great to me. My first visit came in November 2005. Nine months after the Patriots beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl. I thought this entitled me to some bragging rights. That didn’t go over so well with some douchie dudes. I was there on my own for business so I knew the odds were against me. Like Rocky. Luckily, my old neighbor Tom Brady came through for me yet again. The ladies I met at Plough & The Stars in Old City off Market street thought Tom Brady was cute even though he spanked that Eagle ass. And they thought I was cute. And talked funny. So they kept the Philly douches at bay while I worked my magic. This was the first time I had Yuengling beer too. I’m not a big beer drinker but that shit made me wish they had it in Boston. Tasty and smooth. Like Philly women.

The whole Philly cheesesteak thing is way overrated. I’ve been to Philly a few times and tried them all. Yes even Pat’s and Geno’s. That shit is horrible quality steak with fucking cheese wiz. Cheese wiz! Get out of here! Maybe because in Boston I grew up on bombass steak and cheese subs but I just didn’t see the appeal. My only Philly disappointment. And the fact that Paddy’s Pub from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia didn’t exist. Neither did the Rocky statue. I went up those stupid stairs and he wasn’t there. No place for the pigeons to rest or shit. Weak. Back to the women. On my second trip there I met a former 1986 Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. It was her first time in Philly. I acted like a seasoned Philly vet to impress. There was a 17 year age gap between us. I was young. She was the ultimate MILF. She was in town for a Volkswagon convention. She had giant implants and kept on her cowgirl hat. The whole time. I was the envy of all the drunken messes in that Hooters. After our night of wings, tequila and dirty dancing, I woke up in my hotel room to a thank you note. But it is I who should be thanking you Philly for that one. So thank you.

All in all, Philadelphia reminds me of a good mix of Boston and New York City. Not too big. Not too small. Lots of east coast attitude. You can find some of the things you love about home yet find some cool new things as well. A diverse city with a lot of history and some loyal ass sports fans. Plenty of hot ass women that like Boston guys. I haven’t been to Philly in a few years but would like to go back. My goal next time is to run the Rocky run while a bunch of little kids come out of nowhere and run along with me cheering. Then hit up Market street and get hammered off Yuengling while a Boston team is destroying a Philly team then I’ll meet a hot ass Philly chick that may or may not be a former NFL cheerleader and we both get so assed out drunk that she convinces me to try a cheesesteak and I actually like it because I’m so smashed. That’s my perfect Philly dream. Like I said, I’m a huge Philly fan. But I love Boston the best.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Business, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Funny, Health, Holiday, Humor, Interesting, Life, Money, Movies, Music, Opinionated, Party, Philadelphia, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, travel, TV, Uncategorized, Work, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “Festivus 2” Post

December 20, 2010 By 16 Comments

 

My favorite holiday! So much disappointment this year.

Festivus. My favorite holiday of them all! It was created by the father of a writer on “Seinfeld” and made popular on the show years ago and I along with hundreds of other people (“Seinfeld” fans, Wikipedia users) have been celebrating it ever since. It happens on December 23. Two days before Christmas. It’s tagline is “Festivus for the rest of us.” It’s purpose is to have a holiday for the people who refuse to get caught up in the insanity of the other holidays during this time of the year. And it’s traditions are unmatched.

What are the traditions of Festivus? Well there is the “Festivus Pole” instead of a tree. A plain pole without any decoration. There are the “Feats of Strength” where the party isn’t over until the head of the household is pinned to the ground. There are “Festivus Miracles”. Like Arianny Celeste lying under my “Festivus Pole” wearing nothing but high heels when I wake up Festivus morning. And then there is my favorite tradition of them all. The “Airing of Grievances”! This is the part where you get to tell everybody how they have disappointed you over the past year. Time for my grievances. I present Festivus 2!!!

Here is my list of people and things that have disappointed me this past year (*There are some repeat offenders from last year):

Four Loko Drinkers
I’m so glad this stupid ass drink got banned in Mass. Even when I did underage drinking, I was never the type who would drink 2 beers and be like “Ohhh I’m so drunk right now. Whoooo!” I hate people like that. These are the same people who drink Four Loko. Trying to act all hardcore drunk and shit. Fucking posers. Drink Red Bull and vodka instead. Actually. Drink like 8 of them. Then let’s see how “hyper drunk” you can really get after you die. Idiots.

The 80lb chick that lives above me and walks like an elephant
What the fuck is your problem?! You’re so little yet you walk around like Andre the Giant trying to rape a giraffe! I nicely confronted you and you said “That’s weird. Because I walk around barefoot so I’m light on my feet.” No you’re not! I told you to get slippers! Slip and slide around like a ballerina on the fucking hardwood floors! I am buying you a pair and nailing them to your fucking door. If you don’t wear them, I’m nailing them to your forehead.

*Tom Brady
You son of a bitch. I thought you were moving so I moved. But you stayed. You totally messed up my “Tom Brady’s my neighbor so come over and I’ll show you baby” line again. And now you have that stupid Bieber hair do. And you’re wearing fucking UGGS!!!! Come on dude. Enough already. It’s getting really hard to defend you when I’m doing football trash talk with people from NY and LA. You owe everybody in Boston another Super Bowl just to get them off our damn backs.

The old gay guy who works at my gym
Hey I get it. I’m a sexy bastard. I know this. Chicks of all ages, shapes and sizes dig T. Hell yeah. And I guess some dudes do too. Because the old guy that works at my gym hits on me every morning. Every morning! Dude you’re making me feel like a piece of meat. I’m uncomfortable. I have a brain too you know! And feelings!!! Is this payback for years of hot chick oogling??? Son of a bitch. Damn you karma.

*President Obama
Dude you still haven’t done anything. Same as last year. And just like last year, I still want my vote back. Going on The Daily Show? REALLY?! Calling into Ryan Seacrest’s show? REALLY?! You’re not a celebrity! You’re the President of the United States. Do your job! Stop playing basketball too. You suck at it anyways. Say what you say about the man but Bill Clinton had this country jumping! Money and jobs! Money and jobs. So what if he banged some slampig intern. It felt good buying food for your belly back then right? Put him back in.

Lindsay Lohan
All the partying. All the drinking. All the drugs. All the sex. All the arrests. All the rehabs. I’ve had you in my celebrity death pool for almost 6 years now and you won’t fucking die! You’ve cost me so many chances at a $62 pot so far. Unbelievable.

Anyting Else Lady
This lady works at the Mediterranean restaurant near my house. She doesn’t speak English too well and always messes up my order. And always asks me “Anyting else?” I hear that in my nightmares. “Anyting else?” “Anyting else?!” She hasn’t gotten one order right yet. Not one. I really need to stop going there. “Anyting else?!”

*The economy
Nobody knows what your problem is. We can’t figure you out. Not the Republicans that broke you. Not the Democrats that can’t fix you. You’re a mess. You’re making the United States of America look like Lindsay Lohan. What the fuck is your problem?

The Event
This show is trying so bad to be LOST. But it’s not. LOST didn’t start pissing me off until like season 3. This show pissed me off like 3 minutes into the first episode. The jump around effect is not needed every fucking 7 seconds! What the hell?! Aliens that turn little girls into midget old men??? What the fuck is that all about?! And at the end of every episode stop saying “The show everyone is talking about” stupid announcer guy. Because nobody is talking about this stupid ass show. Nobody is even watching. Why the hell am I watching then?!

*The 2010 Red Sox
It wasn’t the injuries that cost us last season. It wasn’t their replacements because they played well. It wasn’t David Ortiz because he came back to life. It wasn’t the coaching because Tito made miracles out of what he had to deal with. Nope. It was the pitching. Yeah it was. More specifically it was Beckett, Lackey, Dice-K, Papelbon and everybody in the bullpen in between. You guys absolutely sucked. The 2011 Red Sox have a lot of redeeming to do.

The LOST Finale
I don’t care what anybody says. The ending sucked ass. The writers pussied out because they pulled a Sopranos on the world. You don’t leave a series finale open ended for the viewers to pick their own ending. No! Seinfeld had an ending that sucked. The Shield had a great ending. Good or bad it doesn’t matter, as the writer you close that shit. That’s your fucking job.

Time Wasters
This year was the year of time wasters. I blame myself on this one. I softened up a bit and tried putting the time into relationships both personal and business with certain people who turned out only to be a waste of my time. It works both ways. You give, you should get. You get, you should give. If it’s not reciprocated then you have gots to go. No more Mr. Nice T. Peace the fuck out time wasters. Fat trimming season is in full effect in 2011. Feelings will be hurt.

*Hollywood
Keep going with all those 3D remake reboot sequel comic book graphic novel tv show book adaptation movies. You’re a real piece of unoriginal shit right now. But for me you’re like the miserable wife I can’t divorce. Dammit.

New Twitter
The Fail Whale is gone but Twitter is now slower than the slowest kid nobody picked at recess. Nice job Twitter. #FAIL

Justin Bieber
You’re a fucktard kid. Go back to Canada. Has Canada given the world anything good besides Pamela Anderson, strippers and hockey? I’m serious here.

Chicks with super tight jeans with high heel sexy boots
You chicks have no idea what you’re doing with this look. This look manages to bring even the most busted chick to almost bangable levels. Seriously. So just imagine what you already hot chicks are doing to guys when you put on the sexy boots and super tight jeans. It’s not right. Maybe the hottest look since the t-back thong stick outs of the early 2000s. So distracting. But don’t stop.

Angry Bird Players
You fucking idiots. You are the same people who claim you are always busy. You claim you can’t make it to the gym. You can’t go out. You work too many hours. You can’t read my damn blog!!! Yet you’re sitting on your fat ass playing this stupid fucking game. You play Xbox with a strange 12 year-old kid. You’re in 3 fantasy football leagues. You watch 4 hours of reality TV each night. You’re not busy!!! Put the stupid fucking bird game down and do something!!! Dicks.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
I was a fan of this show before it became a cult it. Before it became mainstream. I introduced it to everybody I know. Oh how quick they forget. I was in LA when the guys were shopping around their homemade “Charlie Has Cancer” pilot when they got their deal. I love this show. It’s groundbreaking. But this season sucked. The funny totally went out the window. The only people who can’t see that are the same idiots who forgot that I introduced them to the show. Seriously. Let’s hope they return to form next season.

The everyday Facebook complainers who complain about everyday shit
Just shut the fuck up already will you?! Your commute to and from works, your gym comings and goings, your relationship problems, your going out right nows, your weather reports, your taking a shits, your my job is the worst evers….we don’t give a fuck. We’re going through the same shit you are asshole. Do you really think somebody is going to say “You’re right. You’re commute is the worst. I feel so bad for you. Somebody should do something for you. Oh my God. I’ll make a ribbon for you and wear it everywhere.”? NO! Get off Facebook before I block you.

People Forcing Their Causes on Me
I walk down Boylston St. and get some fucking hippie every 5 damn feet trying to get me to sign something that will save the world. Fuck you. I have psycho vegan friends trying to get me to stop eating meat. Fuck you. I have people trying to get me to donate to their marathon running, bike cycling, boat racing, hunger walking…Fuck you. I have my college trying to get me to donate to help new students. Fuck you. Leave me alone. I didn’t tell you to run the marathon. I don’t know these kids going to my old college. I didn’t tell you to eat only stupid vegetables. That’s your shit. Don’t drag me into it! I donate to different types of causes and do great things all the time. I just don’t showboat and bother the people I know about it like you. Are you really in it for the cause or just the attention the cause gets you? Hmmm. Fuck you.

Willow Smith
I will not support a 9 year-old talentless kid’s career which she only has because of her super rich and super famous parents. Are you fucking kidding me? If you’re listening to her shit you are an asshole.

All of 2010
This year was a total rollercoaster ride for me. I can’t wait to see you go 2010! I hope your sister 2011 turns out to be hot as hell because I’m going to bang the shit out of her and never fucking call her after I’m done. How do you like that?!
HAPPY FESTIVUS!!!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Business, Children, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Family, Fashion, Festivus, Funny, Health, Holiday, Humor, Interesting, Life, Money, Movies, Music, Opinionated, Parenting, Party, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, travel, Uncategorized, Work, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “The 52 Things That Made t-blawg” Post

December 6, 2010 By 8 Comments

The man who changed blogging forever

This is my 52nd blog post. That’s right. The world has been graced with 1 year of t-blawg! 52 straight Mondays of awesomeness. 52 weeks of blog posts that gave the world my stories, my opinions, my attitude, my advice, my life. And the world has been forever changed. This blog is growing and becoming quite popular. Who knew?! Me! That’s who!!! To celebrate Year One of t-blawg I decided to list the 52 things that made t-blawg semi-famous. Made it loved. Made it hated. Made it entertaining. Bottom line, these 52 things made t-blawg what it is. And there’s nothing else like it.

Festivus. It allowed me to yell at people who failed me throughout the year during the holidays while sucking the merry out of so many people. Get ready for “Festivus 2”. The sequel arrives in 2 weeks!

My 2009 Facebook updates. For some reason people keep going to this post. It was a great year for me. So thanks I guess?

Antonio Tomasino Manicotti and his way with love & pizza.

Every guy that was “That Guy”. Thanks for douching it up so I know what not to be.

All my game dates. Most of you were game date worthy. Except you damn pink hatters.

The MIRACLES system. It works people!

My stance on Valentines Day . It hasn’t changed.

I still don’t have kids. Not that I know of! ZING!!! Still never gets old.

The “Logic vs Feelings” battle that was born because I don’t have kids. We lost a lot of good men in that war.

Still don’t have a dog of my own . Still borrowing dogs to pull hot chicks. Word yo.

Living by the Bro Code has inspired other men to live by it as well. So proud of this post I could cry. But real men don’t cry.

I have heard so many more shitty bands play and have yet to hear a good “non-professional” band play. I’m not budging on this. Suck it.

Still speaking my own language on the occasion. Still making up my own names for things. It’s fun.

My “Legendary Childhood Moments” stories, part 1 and part 2, are now being shared in abstinence classes across the country.

Looking forward to another decade of Boston sports dominance so I can have more epic game moments. It’s the Bruins turn baby!!!

The scene is still exactly the same. EXACTLY the same.

A special thanks to the lovely ladies in my bullpen. Good looks yo. More men are stacking a bullpen. Thank me now.

No thanks or love to all you women I avoid. In volume.

I still hate you Justin Bieber.

Why are so many assholes still wearing too many team pieces and painting themselves at games??? Go re-read the “Game Gear Rules” post please!

Unfortunately, some women in my life turned out to be “That Chick”. You live, you learn, you run as fast as you fucking can away from them!

My “Boston Law” rules, declarations and penalties are being presented to Congress as you read this. Can’t wait to go to like Delaware and hear people talking like me there. Awesome.

Still keeping Winnie Cooper off of my “Top TV Kid Crushes”. Go make your own damn list. She was meh at best.

How come “My Kind of Woman” was one of my most viewed posts by so many women but yet I still haven’t found her? Maybe I should become more realistic? Compromise? Hmmm. This was my second realest post. Seriously.

People who go to jobs that require them to wear costumes are all still kiddie diddlers in my eyes. All of them.

Realized that I might be the only “Real Man” that doesn’t do any of that shit on that list. King of Kings??? I think so!

My birthday epiphany came and went. That’s what she said.

At least one ex-“Crazy Pet Chick” threatened my life. She said her cat told her to do it. Psychooooo.

If you followed any of those “Booze For Every Occasion” protocols, you’re even more fucking nuts than I am. You lush. I applaud you.

I know the 9/11 post was really different from what you usually get on t-blawg. But that was the realest post you got from me. No regrets.

Why the fuck are so many people still “DOING IT WRONG”?! Do I see another volume to this post coming in t-blawg Year 2? You bet your ass.

Glad to see some dudes saying that they now follow the “Bro Dress Code”. Not so glad that I have to go out and still see so many assholes not following it.

Really cool that so many people are also living like “Living Legends” out there in the world. Keep striving to rock the shit out of your life and the lives of everybody you know! Have even more stories to tell!

My stance on LA was accurate. T don’t do apologies.

“Boston’s Hottest & Kinda Famous Women” was my biggest post. It brought attention and even celebrity followers to t-blawg. That was unreal.

Had no idea so many women felt the same way about bachelorette parties. Now let’s see if they talk the talk and don’t walk the walk so my night doesn’t get ruined.

Still waiting for all those haters to “One-Up” this blog. You can do this? So do it already. Big up to all my haters! Hahaha.

That was….is…and will always be my Vegas. End of story. Don’t blame me. I didn’t build the place. I just enjoy it.

You think WordPress will “Freshly Press” a t-blawg post in year 2??? No? Me neither. Expect that “Joy of Baking Then Eating Red Velvet Cupcakes” post soon. Yeah right. Say hi to your mother for me WordPress.

I didn’t judge you or your tattoos. Damn. Ok. I did.

Well that was more like 40 things. So here are the special people/things that are a part of the 52 things that made t-blawg awesome as well:

My friends/family/my boys/the lovely ladies all from my city of Boston!

These special ladies for reading, tweeting and following: Eliza Dushku/Maria Menounos/Kelly Barons/Ayla Brown/Erin Hawksworth/Arianny Celeste

These cool dudes for reading, tweeting and following: Michael Chiklis/Mayor Menino/Governor Patrick/Jerry Remy

Playboy & NESN. Hot chicks & Boston sports respectively.

Condoms. No really.

These 3 special ladies: That passionate VA actress chick living in LA that loves t-blawg. Next time we’re hanging out! That blogger chick that loves dating, zombies and t-blawg. That LA chick no longer on her year-long mission who needs a real man like T! Come to Boston!

My teams: Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics & Bruins.

Every bar that has ever served me alcohol.

Special shout out to Boston.com, MTV, Miller Lite, that hack Boston men’s magazine with pretend models and keeps putting out those recycled, typo filled shit articles and all those other wannabe “edgy” bloggers/writers for ripping off my shit this past year. How about giving me credit from now on? Thanks.

The women that have come and gone but will live forever on these pages but will forever be nameless. Thank you to some and fuck you to the rest. Haha.

My mother for not killing her evil son. Thanks Ma. Glad you didn’t shit when I showed this blog to you.

And all of you! The readers/Fellow bloggers/The people who comment/The people who subscribe/The Twitter followers/The Facebook fans. You guys make this blog too because you read the shit I write.

So there you have it. The 52 things that made t-blawg. Year 1 was awesome. Year 2 will be even better. You keep coming back and I’ll keep writing. I’m treating this blog like a TV series. I have an ending in mind. If it works out that way. ;)

In year 1, I took it there. In year 2, I’ll fucking take it even further.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Boston, Business, Children, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Family, Fashion, Funny, Health, Humor, Interesting, Las Vegas, Life, Los Angeles, Money, Movies, Music, Opinionated, Parenting, Party, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, Tattoos, travel, TV, Uncategorized, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “What Your Tattoo Says About You” Post

November 29, 2010 By 24 Comments

If you have a tattoo and look like this, I will date you. No really.

I’m a tattoo guy. I have a few to say the least. I dig them. They’re cool. They start-up conversations. They invoke an odd sense of respect. Sometimes fear. And I dig chicks with tats. So hot. I mean a real turn on for me. Seriously. My first tat was a tribal design on my shoulder…yeah I know but it was many moons ago. I don’t regret it. I never covered it up because it’s a reminder of where I was and who I was when I got it. I have since gone on to get many more. After my first, I’ve either designed my other ones or had a lot of creative input on them. Each piece means something to me. Tattoos should mean something. And so many people just get them for the sake of getting them. That’s stupid. They really don’t mean anything to the person but they sure as hell say something about the person who got them. Here’s what your tattoo says to the world.

The tramp stamp (tribal design; flowers; hearts; etc.) tat says:
“I’m easy. Or I got this at a time when I was easy. Don’t judge me.”

The shoulder tat (college frat symbol; military status; etc.) says:
“I might’ve been in a fraternity bro or even the military and want you to think I’m tough.”

The ankle tat (butterfly; flowers; hearts; etc.) says:
“I’m girly but yet bad ass. I wear heels because I’m a chick. And they show off my tat because I’m also a little dirty.”

A rib cage tat (mostly large writing) says:
“Megan Fox has one and she’s hot. So I got one but it only let’s people know I’m a big tease and this is where dick teases get their tats.”

A pelvis tat (butterfly; flowers; sun; moon; etc.) says:
“I just might be a slampig. Still undecided. If over 40 dudes have seen this tat, then yep, I’m a slampig. But I lost count. So.”

An upper chest tat (A mix of words, people, locations, designs usually) says:
“I wasn’t in a Mexican gang or prison but now I look like I was.”

The abs tat (Your favorite saying; favorite city; etc.) says:
“It worked for Tupac but I guess I have to cut back on the carbs first so people really get the idea that I live Thug Life.”

The Chinese characters tat (You know what they look like!) says:
“Neither I nor my tattoo artist actually know what this means. I am a fucking tool.”

The Italian flag/colors tat says:
“I’m a guido poser douche that’s on the juice and I have a small penis. And I tan a lot. What…Up.”

The Irish shamrock/Notre Dame leprechaun tat says:
“I’m an alcoholic who wants you to think I like to fight but if you hit me I’m crying like a little school girl as I run away from you.”

The religious tat (crosses; rosary beads; Jesus himself; star of David; etc.) says:
“My religion is the right one and this will keep me from eternal damnation after I die right? RIGHT???”

A neck tat (initials; lips; random little stupid shit; etc.) says:
“I will never have a real high paying job and will never amount to anything. Now excuse me while I go play Xbox. After I cash this welfare check real quick.”

Roman Numeral tats say:
“Shit looked cool though on the Rocky movie titles!”

The arm band tat (tribal; barbed wire; etc.) says:
“Biggest regret of my life.”

The sleeve tat (bunch of tats; skulls; bones; coy fish; random stupid shit; gray wash smoke; etc.) says:
“Please look at me. I need attention. My mother didn’t hold me enough. I’m peacocking. Please. Look!”

An inside the lip tat (Fuck you; Bite Me; Awesome; etc.) says:
“I was a fucking idiot when I got it. And I’m still a fucking idiot. I know.”

A face tat (anything tatted on your face) says:
“Mike Tyson and Lil’ Wayne did it. But yeah. It doesn’t have the same effect for me now does it?”

Somebody’s name tat (your own name; some chick’s name; your kid’s name; your mom’s name; your dead buddy’s name; etc.) says:
“I’m bad with names. And it worked for that guy in Memento. Shut up. Leave me alone. What’s your name again? Hold on. Let me look at my left shin real quick.”

The back mural (religious pieces; battle scenes; dragons; almost everything and anything smooshed together; etc.) says:
“I just let the tattoo guy do whatever. I can’t see it. It looks that bad? Yeah I’ll be saving up for laser removal starting with my next paycheck.”

The Nothing (no tats at all) says:
There’s something messed up about you. You’re hiding some deep dark shit. I actually trust people with tats more than people without them. Seriously. This day and age and you don’t have at least one??? Really?! Weirdo. Loosen up there chief. I’m checking your fridge for severed heads right now.

Now you know what your tattoos say to the world. They really do. As long as you think your tattoos are cool, so what. Just know everybody is still making fun of you as soon as you leave the room. Wait. I wonder who is making fun of me and my tattoos right now??? D’oh. Sons of bitches.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Awesomeness, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Family, Fashion, Funny, Health, Humor, Interesting, Life, Money, Movies, Music, Opinionated, Party, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, Tattoos, TV, Uncategorized, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “T Does VEGAS in 3 Paragraphs” Post

November 15, 2010 By 12 Comments

All Vegas trips should be a blur

*I’ve decided to do a series of blog posts that capture my travels throughout my life. In 3 paragraphs. I’ll post them every once in a while. Some places I’ve been to a few times, others only once. And some I will probably never go back to because of what went down there.

I’m making something clear right here. There are 3 different Las Vegas worlds. There’s the Vegas depicted in movies. There’s the Vegas where couples vacation. And then there’s the Vegas where guys go to party. Sin City. Hell on Earth. Anything goes, for a price. That’s the Vegas I know. But first I’d like to thank Hollywood for glamorizing the place. And I’d also like to thank every guy who has taken their girlfriend to Vegas for a show, a nice dinner, a little pool time, a photogenic trip to the wax museum, some corny couple gambling and a little tipsy Vegas hotel sex. Awww, so romantic! Right? Did I hit it on the head there or what?! You guys just took one for the team. And I applaud you! Because now when you take your boys trip she’ll think Vegas is one way and we all know it’s another way entirely. And trust me ladies, our guys trips to Vegas make that photo montage at the end of The Hangover look like fucking church. But you will never know about it. Because I respect the Bro Code and never take pictures in Vegas. Oh no. So I might be a little vague with some of the things I say in this post as I have to leave out some incriminating stories to avoid many angry texts and phone calls from my boys. Again. Bro Code. Respect.

I think I’ve been to Vegas more than any other vacation destination. Each time has been a guys trip. Even did a bachelor party there. Oh fuck. Yeah. That time. Let’s just say now I will never have my bachelor party there when I finally get married. When I’m 70. Each trip I’ve met some great women there. It’s true surprisingly. I met a hot latina that still stays in touch. A stripper that looked like a young, skinny, dark-haired Jessica Simpson. And an Angelina Jolie clone at the Hard Rock where we did shots with Mr. Seaver from Growing Pains and his then non-famous son Robin Thicke. I’ve also partied with Ghostface Killa from the Wu-Tang Clan and a bunch of his video hos while wearing his spinning Wu medallion at Ghost Bar. Classic Ghostface! One time I was so drunk I tried to throw my shot into the air at Rain as those flames that drop down above your head to start a fire. Just because. And then there was that time I won thousands of dollars playing blackjack and was treated like Mr. Papagiorgio everywhere I went. Good times. I was tipping people like Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber. I was so young. And stupid. And drunk. I definitely paid for some stripper’s kid’s first year in college. Ok maybe a community college. But still. Vegas is also the birthplace of Nasty T. My most evil persona. But I can’t say why here. Sorry. One trip to Vegas I golfed for the first time in 120 degree desert heat. Hungover. “Oh it’s a dry heat though.” All that shit means is instead of sweating it out your ass bakes to death on the inside. Every Vegas trip also includes me saying to total strangers “You know what Wesley says right? Always bet on black. Passenger 57 bitches!” every time I hit the roulette table. But nothing is better than when we first go to the blackjack table as a group and I pull my Austin Powers and introduce myself as Richie Cunningham and my bro-in-law as my wife Oprah. Followed by a classic “I’ll stay. I too like to live dangerously.” after the dealer deals me a 5. Ah Vegas.

In between the gambling, clubbing, celebrities, strippers and recovery by the pool time, there’s a lot of other shit that goes down. Like drinking red bull & vodka until it replaces all of the blood in your body. Fucking place has no clocks and if you do that Thursday through Sunday guys trip, you’re running on that shit after the initial adrenaline rush and testosterone subsides after getting zero sleep! And then there’s steak & eggs. In Vegas no matter where you are, no matter what time it is, you can always get some steak & eggs. Swear to God. On a guys trip there aren’t many fancy dinners. We’ll probably do one nice dinner as a group maybe on the first night. After that we all end up on different eating, sleeping, banging and shitting schedules. Seriously. At that point you eat whenever, wherever, to feed the machine so you can bust through the wall and rally for more hard living. It’s crazy. I’ve done more damage to my body on those 4 day Vegas runs that I’ll never be able to repair. Ever. Because that’s what you do in Vegas. That’s what I do in Vegas. I enjoy Vegas because of what I can do there that I can’t do anywhere else on the planet. It’s legal! But I love Boston the best.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Boston, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Funny, Health, Humor, Interesting, Las Vegas, Life, Money, Movies, Music, Opinionated, Party, Social Media, t-blawg, travel, TV, Uncategorized, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “How to Become a Living Legend” Post

October 12, 2010 By 6 Comments

Living Legends are awesome. So few of us out there.

I’m in the twilight of my legendary years. It’s true. I’m in a transition phase. Not sure how many epic adventures as a single crazy guy I still have in me. There has been a shift towards more serious things in life. So while I’m not dead yet, I can’t be a legend. So I like to think of myself as a living legend. Alive and able to tell the stories that make me legendary. Now you may say that takes a lot of balls. That’s cocky. I’m delusional. All are true. No argument from me. But if you’ve been a fan of t-blawg you know I live in my own world and I like it there. I’m not here to debate with you whether or not I’m a living legend. I’m here to tell you how you can become a living legend too. Here are the steps in becoming a living legend if you want to stop being so damn lame. Be warned, it is no easy feat to accomplish.

Step 1: Have an Epic Birth
You really can’t control this one. Unless like you stab the doctor on the way out. Me? I didn’t have a choice. I was dying before I was even born. I was born with the umbilical cord around my little baby neck. After it was removed it turned out I was a blue baby.  My ass couldn’t breathe. So many tests were done on my blood, heart, lungs. One night I just stopped breathing. The doctors came in and performed a tracheotomy on my little baby throat. They told my mother they couldn’t find out what was wrong with me and I would die. So I flipped my itty bitty baby middle finger and said “Fuck you death!” I started breathing on my own. They kept me in the hospital for 3 more weeks under observation. They had no idea how I recovered. I didn’t come home until I was 6 weeks old. I finally covered up the trach scar with a tattoo which shifted down towards my clavicle over time two years ago for my birthday. Epic…fucking…birth. Owned!!!! Top that you normal, crying out the womb pussy babies.

Step 2: Spit in the Face of Adversity
When I was a little kid I had a boatload of things going against me in life. Shit most kids should never have to deal with. The worst was a lot of people wrote me off at such a young age that it drove me to bust my ass and succeed in life. As much as I’d like to say I’ve achieved success because I like to succeed, it’s really because I like to spite even more. Anger, spite and ambition beats out any amount of adversity. It’s not healthy. You probably will need therapy one day. But you will find a way to win. Legends don’t lose. They win baby! That’s what I keep telling my psychiatrist. And my reflection. Multiple times a day. Excuse me while I take my happy pills bitches.

Step 3: Shock and Awe
People think you are one way. You think you are another. And then you do something entirely out of left field that has people saying “Don’t fuck with T. You know he’ll do something crazy.” My late angry teens and most of my wild illegal twenties had a lot of people saying that about me. I didn’t intentionally try to shock. I just did. It was liberating. Living legends shock themselves because it feels good to go against the grain. Do it. It changed my life and who I used to be. Just be ready to deal with the long-term residual effects. I still have so many people who hate me. Or are afraid of me. Or want to kill me. Oh well. Shit happens.

Step 4: Almost Die
If you survive step 3 that means you almost died. At least once. I can count at least 7 times I should’ve died including my epic birth. Seven! Five I can’t speak about because it could incriminate me and some close buddies. I’ll save them for the “Epic T Movie” one day. The one I can talk about is a New Year’s Eve party at my buddy’s house. His parents would go away every Summer and New Year’s and we would party like animals. One New Year’s I was dared to drink and smoke everything handed to me. And I never back down from a challenge. I started at 7:00PM. I smoked an entire blunt packed with a whole dime bag. None of that cheap shit either. The real chronic. I also drank everything we had in the house. Combined in one big ass glass. Shit was gray and bubbling. SoCo+Vodka+Rum+Bicardi Limon+Hennessy will give you gray bubbling shit. Fact. I also cleared the 3 chamber bong every time I was asked. Which was about 7 times. I didn’t even see the damn ball drop at midnight. I puked my organs out all night into the kitchen bucket. Being the tough guys that we were, none of us could go to the hospital unless we needed stitches. Hello. Bro Code yo! So I made peace with myself as I blacked out looking into the dark bucket. Then I somehow woke up the next day from my coma. I was grateful. Never smoked weed or partied like that ever again. That New Year’s was legendary because I lived to tell the story.

Step 5: Never Waiver
If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything. Cliché but true. If I gave in or did things the way people told me to, I’d either be dead, in jail or never would’ve accomplished anything. If you’re going to make a choice, going to do something, then go all the way with it and don’t question yourself. Let people doubt. Let them hate. Let them be jealous. Just keep at it. A legend is a legend because he did something at some point that wasn’t easy and will have people talking about it forever. Remember that when you want a life beyond that 9 to 5 working for somebody else who you know you could do better than. Also be prepared to end up alone face down and half dead in a ditch somewhere you don’t even recognize, only to be awoken by little kids poking you with sticks speaking a language you’ve never heard in your life. Small price to pay for eternal awesomeness I say.

Step 6: Have a Story to Tell
I get into shit and love that I lived to talk about it. I can command an audience. So much everyday shit can become an epic story for me. For example, a simple tale about getting a tattoo became legendary. I got my first tattoo with my two closest buddies by an MMA fighter when the UFC wasn’t even legal in the US and tattoos weren’t even legal yet in the state of Mass when I was 19 years old. We each got tatted up. But before I got to get my ink I was put in an arm bar by the tattoo artist. I didn’t tap. He liked that and convinced me that my arm was worthy of his tat. After I got my first ink the three of us went to our favorite local Chinese food restaurant. The owner, a friend of ours, saw my bleeding bandaged tat, slapped it and said “If I ever get a tattoo, I’d get one on my dick”. We all laughed, drank and ate while bleeding. A thousand tattoos, a thousand stories and a thousand years later between the three of us and we’re still close friends and always have that story to tell. A simple story made legendary. Just like that.

Step 7: Become Awesome
If you live through steps 1-6 then that means you have really lived. And by living that way you should now have a story or 2 or 3 to tell and you should also have some stories others tell about you. This means you are a legend. Take that and combine it with the fact that you still have the drive to do more in life, then that means you are a living legend. And living legends are fucking awesome. You know why? Because I said so. I have the credentials to prove it.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Boston, Comedy, Crazy, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Family, Funny, Health, Humor, Interesting, Life, Opinionated, Party, Social Media, t-blawg, Uncategorized, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!” Post

September 27, 2010 By 6 Comments

Too many people just don't get it

There are so many things we all do wrong. To people in our lives. To strangers. But most importantly, to ourselves. For some reason we sometimes do things the same way every time and expect to get something different. But we never do. You definitely can learn from your mistakes but first you have to recognize what you’re doing wrong. I came up with a checklist of sorts to help you realize when you’re doing it wrong. So you can avoid shitting on people and avoid shitting on yourself. Carry it with you. I present my “You’re Doing It Wrong!” checklist.

If you’re married and still talking to your ex about everything…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you’re in a relationship and go out to find yourself saying “I just need a blow job from some chick” or “If I only blow him it’s not cheating”…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If your paycheck doesn’t cover your bills…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you blame everybody else for your problems and never find yourself saying “Wow. I really messed that one up.” …YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you run into her/him years later and pickup fighting where you left off…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you’re driving a brand new car but still live at home…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If 3 of your meals this week came from your mom…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you’ve seen your favorite bartender more times in the last 6 months than anyone of your local blood relatives…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you take more interest in the Jersey Shore than your own life…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you care more about Ronnie & Sam’s relationship than anyone of your own relationships…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you only pray when you need something…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you only voted one time for Obama or McCain because your friend did…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If your constant Facebook updates of “Fuck My Life” outweigh the amount of times your updates have read “My Life is Awesome”…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you only go to the gym the day after you ate like a pig or drank like a fish…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you only call your so-called good friend up when you need a favor…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you only see your relatives at weddings & funerals…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If your only response to somebody who disagrees with you is to swing at them…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you never reach for the bill when you all go out…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you only see her/him when it’s dark out and you’re drunk…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you only call her/him because your real she/he isn’t around or answering…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you can’t tell when someone is going above and beyond all the rest to get and keep your attention…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you only go out to get drunk, laid or high instead of socializing…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you think everybody wants to hear you complaining about every stupid thing in your life when they first log on Facebook in the morning…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you’re only getting married because “Hey, she put her time in. Why not?” …YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you think you have a better shot at taking home the stripper/bartender/waitress than the next guy…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If your “game” consists of being a jacked tanned douche or a drunken mess who’s legs are easy to open…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you count favors and hold them over your friends heads…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you never do a friend a favor just because…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you constantly tell everybody how much you make/how much it cost/how much you have…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you only hear the sound of your voice in the majority of the conversations you are involved in…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you think only hooking up counts as dating…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you think you can cut back on the sex/working out/romance/being spontaneous/having as much fun once the relationship gets more serious…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

If you go through life only saying and doing the things you think people expect from you…YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

So there are some things that the majority of us do or know some people that do. Now you know it’s wrong. No excuses. Recognize and make some changes. That’s all there is to it.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Family, Funny, Health, Humor, Interesting, Life, Money, Opinionated, Parenting, Party, Social Media, t-blawg, Uncategorized, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “Birthday Epiphany?” Post

August 16, 2010 By 8 Comments

Happy Birthday T

My birthday is in a few days. I will become the number of a famous legendary Boston Celtics basketball player. And am I worried? No. Yes. Ahhh a little. Not so much about the age. You see I’ve never been a person who had to do certain things by a certain age. I’ve always been concerned more about doing enough while I can still do it. Marriage. Kids. Owning a house. 2.5 children. All things I hope to have one day but by no means will I force it and settle like some people out there. Why sacrifice the person you like to become somebody other people think they want? I don’t live for anybody but myself. And why take on the responsibilities of other lives when you’re still figuring out how to be responsible for your own life? Plus I have a list of things I still need to do that I can only do by being the me I am now and not the me that is a husband and a father. Don’t get me wrong. I’d marry the right girl tomorrow if I found her. But that would mean she’d be right enough for me to still be able to do what I’m trying to do all the while the me I am now will have to be right enough for her. Was that confusing? Read it again. I did. But my upcoming birthday and this past year of what I call my “Rollercoaster Year” of ups & downs has me in a state of mind where I was truly humbled and given a vision that I never had before. Which all resulted in the conclusion that….I’m human.

What a fucking realization?! An epiphany maybe? I don’t know. What I do know is I’m now human enough to realize that I am no longer faster than a speeding bullet. No longer more powerful than a locomotive. Wait. That’s Superman. My bad. No “S” on my chest but I have a “T” on my shoulder. For me it only really means a longer hangover recovery time. A slower metabolism. A new kind of gym soreness. Gray hairs popping out. A shorter dumb chick and douchebag tolerance. And an extra hour of sleep at night. Not really too life changing. I can adapt to this new routine. Not a problem. What has been an awakening is that I now have this gift of wisdom that comes with age and experience. You can learn a lot from books and school but living a life the way I have apparently results in an abundance of wisdom that I can bring to many different tables. It’s pretty cool. I can put it into my writing. I can share it at business meetings. I can tell younger dudes what I did when I was in that situation. I’m also pretty good at teaching my nieces & nephew about some awesome life shit. And women now seem to find me attractive on another level beyond my really really ridiculously good looks, income and fantastic sense of humor. This is something you don’t have in your 20s. I may no longer be the invincible beast I once was in my 20s but the knowledge and ability to know better now is one hell of a getting old perk! Plus T in his 20s was a complete asshole. For reals.

So as I enter this birthday, which I might ring in low-key as opposed to my past epic hell raising birthdays where mass destruction has occurred, I enter it knowing I’m a human full of life knowledge. Not bad. The number of this birthday doesn’t scare me. The whole am I doing enough to become the man I would like to become scares me a bit. I’m thinking this thought process is a result of the year I had. So at this point all I want to do is reach my birthday and start a new year fresh. As a humbled guy full of wisdom ready and fucking aching to make his mark on this world. Happy birthday to T.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

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