T-pisode 378: Festivus 9

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T-pisode 378
After the 2017 I just had, there isn’t a better holiday or a better final 2017 T-pisode to end the year on.

Festivus. My favorite holiday of them all! It was created by the father of a writer on “Seinfeld” and made popular on the show years ago and I along with hundreds of other people (“Seinfeld” fans, Wikipedia users) have been celebrating it ever since. It happens on December 23. Two days before Christmas. Its tagline is “Festivus for the rest of us.” Its purpose is to have a holiday for the people who refuse to get caught up in the insanity of the other holidays during this time of the year. And its traditions are unmatched.

What are the traditions of Festivus? Well there is the “Festivus Pole” instead of a tree. A plain pole without any decoration. There are the “Feats of Strength” where the party isn’t over until the head of the household is pinned to the ground. There are “Festivus Miracles.” Like a bunch of idiots who never invested before in their lives thinking they’re going to become insanely rich thanks to something called Cryptocurrency!!! And then there is my favorite tradition of them all. The “Airing of Grievances!” This is the part where you get to tell everybody how they have disappointed you over the past year.

Here are my “Airing of Grievances” from 2009-2016:

Festivus 8.  Festivus 7. Festivus 6. Festivus 5. Festivus 4. Festivus 3. Festivus 2. Festivus 1.

Now it’s time for this year’s grievances. 2017 started off great for me. It really did. Then around the halfway point in the year it came crashing down. I can’t wait for the fucking year to end so here are my damn grievances. Classic T style of course. I present Festivus 9!!!

Donald Trump and His Flip Flopping Supporters
I mean I knew exactly what would happen when this fucking idiot took office and guess what? I WAS FUCKING RIGHT! Even you idiots who voted for him know you fucked up at this point. Dopes. You and him both. Dopes. I can’t wait for him to get impeached and I hope all your voting rights get taken away forever. I’m kidding. Not really.

Canada Goose Jackets
When I was a kid we had bomb ass Triple Fat Goose jackets that you either stole from someone or someone stole from you. True story. And now all these spoiled ass millennials are running around with these expensive jackets that they sure as fuck don’t need making me want to hop in a time machine and bring back 16-year-old T to take their coats and make them cry a little just to humble these lil fuckers. LOLzzz.

Las Vegas Has Fallen
I know Vegas had a terrible tragedy. It also was the place I finally made peace with my old man this year. But as the fun adult playground it once was??? Not…any…fucking…more. Family friendly marketing, big money business & Father Time himself got together and absolutely destroyed the sanctity of Las Vegas, man.

Millennials…Again
I’ve been hard on this group in both 2016 and 2017. I mean last year right here I even wrote that I wasn’t going to ease up on you all in 2017 until you started to step up, drop the entitlement bullshit and started to act more like normal human beings. Aaaaand…you didn’t. You all will go down in the history books as the most disappointing generation of all time. Yeah I said it. What are you going to do? @ me!? LOLz. I WILL beat the SHIT out of you all!!!

2017 Boston Red Sox
I fucking love it when the Red Sox win the AL East only to get knocked out of the playoffs in the first round back to back seasons! LOOOVVVEEEE ITTTTT!!!!

Women
Every year I usually have a beef with either a specific woman or a few women I dated and this year for the first time ever, I have no qualms ladies. Thank you.

My 40th Birthday
I wrote all about it here. I’m over it. Not even linking to it. Once this year is over I WILL celebrate it accordingly in 2018 with those who matter the most to me. Das it.

Extra & Lit
Not everything you do is lit nor is everything you do just a little more of, extra. They both sound stupid.

Fuck Cancer
No what isn’t lit? Cancer. But when people try to love you just a little bit “extra” when you need it, that is the shit that makes you keep going. So fuck cancer. And thank God for those who don’t give up when fighting this disease and thank you to the people who have your back when a loved one is fighting it.

Last Season of GOT
“Game of Thrones” is probably the greatest TV show of all time right up there with “The Sopranos” and “Seinfeld” that gave us Festivus! But last season of GOT was too fucking rushed. Still good! But not as good. I mean where did the White Walkers get those giant fucking chains??? Someone tell me!!!

Friends & Family…Good & Bad
I don’t know about your friends & family but for some of mine lines were drawn in the sand in 2017. In 2018, all will either be addressed or appreciated accordingly. Oh yeah they will.

This Fall Season
Worst…Boston foliage…evah, kid.

Weinstein and #metoo
Look, I’ve been around a ton of Hollywood types during my screenwriting era and I can tell you for sure that a large portion of the men in that business are pieces of shit who don’t know how to treat women. And I can also tell you that some of the women making these claims are probably jumping on the bandwagon to get their names back out there and to make a few bucks. Either way, this is a problem that needs to be addressed and Hollywood will be changed forever. Looks like for the better.

Bumble
I’ve started to dabble in online dating apps and I can tell you that Bumble women are very choosy and don’t realize that they’re on there because they’re too picky in their real lives but cannot see that they’re still being the exact same way on the damn app. The fuck? If you’re over the age of 30, learn to compromise stupid! I am!!!

DC/WB Fuckery
At this point Warner Bros should just sell the movie rights to their DC comic book characters to Disney like Marvel because they keep fucking up Batman and Superman and it’s really starting to piss me off.

Bitcoin Idiots
I want one person to explain to me what they think a Bitcoin is and why it’s worth a shit ton of real money right now. Please. Just one person. Go ahead. Try. I fucking dear you to try, you dopey fucktard that you are.

The T-blawg Book…Yet…Again
I…had…a…crazy…year.

2017 As A Fucking Whole
Just when we all thought that 2016 was the worst year ever, 2017 was all like…Hold my motherfucking beer. So long 2017. Get the fuck OUT.

And there you have it. My annual airing of grievances and the longest running tradition in T-blawg history. Next year the T-blawg tradition hits the big 1-0 in 2018. Holy shit. Anyway, Happy Festivus everyone!!!

T-blawg returns January 22, 2018 with some brand spanking new changes and additions!!!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

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