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Festivus. My favorite holiday of them all! It was created by the father of a writer on “Seinfeld” and made popular on the show years ago and I along with hundreds of other people (“Seinfeld” fans, Wikipedia users) have been celebrating it ever since. It happens on December 23. Two days before Christmas. Its tagline is “Festivus for the rest of us.” Its purpose is to have a holiday for the people who refuse to get caught up in the insanity of the other holidays during this time of the year. And its traditions are unmatched.
What are the traditions of Festivus? Well there is the “Festivus Pole” instead of a tree. A plain pole without any decoration. There are the “Feats of Strength” where the party isn’t over until the head of the household is pinned to the ground. There are “Festivus Miracles.” Like every Patriots hater waking up Festivus morning with their mouths permanently stitched shut! And then there is my favorite tradition of them all. The “Airing of Grievances!” This is the part where you get to tell everybody how they have disappointed you over the past year.
Here are my “Airing of Grievances” from 2009-2014:
Festivus 6. Festivus 5. Festivus 4. Festivus 3. Festivus 2. Festivus 1.
Now it’s time for this year’s grievances. 2015 was a pretty great year for me but true to vintage T form, I managed to find some things to vent about. I present Festivus 7!!! AKA “F7” like the now shitty “Fast & Furious” movies.
Fuckface Cancer
I’m starting this year’s grievances just like last year’s. Because this fucking disease came back. But she’ll beat you again. Fuck you again cancer.
Patriots Haters
Oh my goodness. You sons of bitches are the worst. Shut the fuck up already. Focus on your own team and why they suck. Not on my team and why they’re awesome. Because they are. Still. LOLz.
Hot-Cold-Hot-Cold-Hot-Cold…Women
Yeah. I’m all set with you. Consistent women are in now. Women who communicate are in now. Women who don’t play games are in now. Grown women are in now. That hot-cold shit is played out. Peace.
Netflix & Chill
Bro, if this is part of your game then I hate to tell you…you have no game.
Speaking of loser type dudes…
Fellas, if you’re a dad then be a fucking dad. Whether you’re married, divorced or a single father. Be a fucking dad. Be there for your kids. Write the fucking check to support them. Take an interest in their lives. Do something for your kids. And while you’re at it, don’t disrespect your kids’ mom. EVER. Stop being a piece of shit.
SnapChat
Alright I joined. And yes, it is mostly naked shit going on or really boring fucking stories where people think their daily lives are like SUPER interesting. But they’re really like SUPER boring. And I’m convinced every chick I ever dated ABSOLUTELY did some shady shit with other guys on there. No doubt about it. Shadiest fucking social media app in history. At least everyone knows they’re on Tinder to hook up.
Not “Liking” Instagram People
The FUCK is your problem yo??? You know we can see when you “like” other people’s shit on there right? Then why follow someone and never like their shit but only like the shit of others??? It’s weird as fuck! You people are creepy. Just stop following if you’re not going to like anything. That’s the whole point of the fucking site. You post a pic. You like a pic. Then you go about yo day! SHIT.
Speaking of Instagram…
I’m grown. I’ve done been around plenty of women. So I’ve been around plenty of women asses. I know a healthy ass from a genetically blessed ass from a “fat” ass from a really fat ass. Seriously. Boys sweat “fake” asses. Men appreciate “real” asses. Whether you have a nice natural ass or one from all the hard work and squats you do in the gym, WE can tell. The asses with implants and injections have to stop ladies. They look terrible. And it’s unnatural. Stop it. Please. For the love of Baby Jesus. Yo fake ass is whack.
The shitty 2015 Red Sox
Back to back shitty seasons. The fuck? But here’s a prediction right here on T-blawg… The 2016 Boston Red Sox WILL win the World Series and David Ortiz will sail off into the sunset with his 4th championship and the title of “Greatest Designated Hitter” in major league baseball history. Watch.
All of a Sudden They All Political & Shit Jerks
Yes we’re coming up on an election year but this past year I had to endure a shit ton of fucking idiots and their uneducated and ignorant views on politics. Holy shit. My Facebook feed is seriously down to like 5 people. For reals.
Sons of Anarchy Finale
I know the show ended in December 2014 but I was on my world-famous “T-blawg Hiatus” and didn’t get to give my opinion. So here’s my opinion. It sucked. A lot. Jax as a motorcycle riding Jesus committing suicide? Dumbest fucking show ending ever. I’m still pissed!
Second Kidney Stone
FUCK YOU and your mother.
Clueless Women
Ladies, if a guy is nice to you, goes out of his way to see you, remembers little things about you, tries to make you smile, gets you little sweet gifts, he’s into you. It’s a slow roll because you are tough to read. That poker face is attractive but loses its appeal eventually. Sometimes you have to make a move too or give a sign back or you can just continue to live alone with your cat and bitterness. LOLzzzz.
ISIS
Because of you my sister made me postpone my trip with my niece to London and Paris. And rightfully so. We’re in a scary place across this entire planet right now. And using hate and religion to kill people makes you the lowest scum possible.
2016 Plan Based on 2015 “No-Sees”
If I tried to hang out with you in 2015 and you didn’t make it happen just know this, I’m not making plans with you ever again. I tried. A lot. But I’m not coming to see you anymore. I’m busy as fuck and making crazy big moves. You want to see me? You now have to come see me. 2015 I recognized the fat. 2016? The fat will be trimmed. Still love ya, but I got shit to do yo.
Spike Lee & Dane Cook
You two dopes still have me blocked??? LOLzzzzz. Fucking awesome.
The T-blawg Book
It’s coming. That’s what she said.
Asshole Hail
I get a brand new car. I’m on a fantastic trip in Greece. What happens? A fucking hail storm puts 106 dents into my brand new car. That was SO not cool. Got the problem taken care of like it never happened but what the fuck was that all about??? I thought I had a clean slate with all past evil deeds, karma? Cut the shit. We’re even now!
Group Text Starters
Here’s how this shit should work… Only start a group text with people who know each other. Who are very close with each other. Not because you want to go out Saturday night and decide to fucking start a group chat with every contact in your fucking phone! People who do this…WHO hurt you??? You are insane. I don’t want to chat with people I’ve never met. The fuck are you DOING to me, bro?! Enough.
Posers
The amount of dudes portraying a fake life on social media is getting out of control and is a fucking insult to the men who actually have those toys, actually make six-seven figures, actually been to all those countries, actually do spoil their girls, friends and family. Pull back youngin’. Pull back.
Pink Hatters
I’ve seen a resurgence in the Pink Hat force recently. It was when the Pats “perfect” season came to an end recently. You’re a fake fan. You’ve never been to a game in your life. You’ve never watched a full game in your life. Sharing a Patriots meme doesn’t make you a Patriots fan. Please, shut the fuck up. And don’t celebrate with us real fans when they win the Super Bowl again this year. You didn’t earn it. We did.
Game of Thrones and Walking Dead Mind Fucks
Either kill the character or don’t! I don’t give a fuck! Just let me know one way or another!!! Guessing and stressing is not cool! Assholes.
Hoverboards
I got mine before they blew up. Pun intended.
Always…Be…A…Gentleman
This is an old saying of mine both in life and on T-blawg. Sure it would be easy for me to lose my shit whether it’s a stressful moment at the office or with a woman I have feelings for busting my balls or even with some dude whose ass I know I can easily beat down. But this year I have been tested. A lot. And I’ve kept cool. So this isn’t really a grievance. This is a “you’re welcome” to all the people I didn’t go off on. Some of you deserved it. But I was the bigger person. So like I said… You’re welcome.
And there you have it. My annual airing of grievances. I was pissed. I let you know I was pissed. Some of you may now be pissed. So I think you should go air your own grievances because I feel much better. Thanks for asking. Happy Festivus!
Until next time. Always take it there.
T
T-blawg 