Festivus. My favorite holiday of them all! It was created by the father of a writer on “Seinfeld” and made popular on the show years ago and I along with hundreds of other people (“Seinfeld” fans, Wikipedia users) have been celebrating it ever since. It happens on December 23. Two days before Christmas. Its tagline is “Festivus for the rest of us.” Its purpose is to have a holiday for the people who refuse to get caught up in the insanity of the other holidays during this time of the year. And its traditions are unmatched.
What are the traditions of Festivus? Well there is the “Festivus Pole” instead of a tree. A plain pole without any decoration. There are the “Feats of Strength” where the party isn’t over until the head of the household is pinned to the ground. There are “Festivus Miracles.” Like a politically inexperienced, orange skinned, sexist, racist motherfucker who says stupid shit like bigly, Jina and yuuugggeeee becoming President of the United States of America! And then there is my favorite tradition of them all. The “Airing of Grievances!” This is the part where you get to tell everybody how they have disappointed you over the past year.
Here are my “Airing of Grievances” from 2009-2015:
Festivus 7. Festivus 6. Festivus 5. Festivus 4. Festivus 3. Festivus 2. Festivus 1.
Now it’s time for this year’s grievances. 2016 was a shitty year for everybody big picture wise, let’s not bullshit. But on a personal level it was a pretty damn good year for me and I set myself up for an even bigger & better 2017! Buuuut I still found some shit to grieve about as I usually do. Classic T style of course. I present Festivus 8!!! AKA “F8” like the now shitty “Fast & Furious” movies that will never fucking end. LOLz.
Let me tell you all this… Getting stuck in Paris in real life is nothing like the movies! After spending 3 hours doing French fucking airplane donuts on the tarmac without any real update about why we weren’t taking off we then had to de-board from the back of the plane, down makeshift stairs, on to a bus back to the terminal where I then proceeded to threaten to murder the useless & rude Air France staff because they wouldn’t book me a flight back home. Instead I had to spend the night in a shitty airport hotel and got home a day later than planned to catch up on a shit ton of work. Shitty way to end a great vacation. Fuck Air France.
I’ve been hard on this group in 2016. Guess what? I am not going to ease up on you in 2017 until you all start stepping the fuck up, dropping the entitlement bullshit and start acting more like normal human beings. Also, please work more on yo social skills not yo social media skills in 2017. Thaaanks.
Yeah…America. Go back and read my last 5 T-pisodes to see why I’m pissed off at the country. I mean you voted in Donald Trump! Are you all high?! Well now in Boston you must be. That shit be legal now yo. I’m talking about weed.
2016 Boston Red Sox
You failed David Ortiz in his last season and did not make my prediction come true from last year’s Festivus that you would win the World Series. Assholes. I’m so disappointed in you people.
More Deflategate Bullshit
I cannot fucking believe Tom Brady ended up serving that witch hunt bullshit suspension. But here’s a new prediction… New England Patriots STILL win the fucking Super Bowl, bitches.
“Pokemon Go” People
I think this thing finally died down but when it hit over the summer all you grown ass adults who chased around invisible Japanese cartoon characters better not have kids. Ever. Odds are you all probably don’t get any sex anyway. But still. You people are scary as fuck.
Social Media Rap Battles
Tupac and Biggie died from their rap battles in the 90s. Today? Rappers tweet & post insults on Instagram. Through their smartphone keyboards and apps. That’s how they battle in 2016. I have never wanted Big & Pac to come back from the dead to shoot all these so-called rappers more than I do right now.
Banshee’s Final Season
Besides the very last episode this final season was absolute dog shit. After the final season of “Sons of Anarchy” I wasn’t ready for another good show turned bad in its final season. I almost died from this disappointment. Seriously you guys.
Waste My Time 2016
It seems even I was a victim of this saying in 2016. I had my time wasted and I wasted the time of someone or two. Oh well. Guess we’re heading into “I’m Still Successful And Rich AF But You Exactly Where I Left Yo Ass In 2016, 2017” LOLzzzz!
Everybody is fucking dead
Like everyone died in 2016. Holy shit. 2016 was a murdering motherfucker for 12 months, no? Where the police at???
Dudes that wear tight black jeans with holes in the knees
The fuck is this fashion trend? It’s so stupid. Cut the shit. Weirdos.
All of social media basically becoming one app
Everything feels like one live…same…stupid fucking story now on every app you open, right? This is the start of the social media fall. Calling it right now. The bubble is ‘bout to burst.
When this first happened I actually felt bad about Harambe getting shot to death. Then every unoriginal douchebag on social media drove the Harambe thing quickly into the ground. And it’s still going. I hate nothing more than unoriginal fucks who keep retreading unoriginal played out material. Dicks out for Harambe? Nah son, I hope yo dick falls off in general.
Open front cleavage string tied shirt blouse thingies
I don’t know what these shits are called but they turn T on and are very distracting. God bless.
The T-blawg Book
It’s still coming. That’s what she said…again.
I actually liked the Running Man Challenge even though it wasn’t actually the Running Man. Because it made you do something. But the Mannequin Challenge? Just standing still and shit? Yeah, no, you all look like straight fucking idiots.
Speaking of idiots… YOU are definitely the second biggest douchebag of 2016. I will NEVER support your music ever again. Your ego and useless hoe wife done fucked your brain up. You lose. You get nothing. Good day sir.
And there you have it. My annual airing of grievances and the longest running tradition in T-blawg history. Hopefully Trump doesn’t cause WWIII killing us all before I get to write “Festivus 9” next year! I’m kidding. Not really. Happy Festivus!
Until next time. Always take it there.